Playing the game like it matters

Tonight at my men's team meeting we took a break and played a game of street hockey.

I did not want to play. It was cold, I was feeling stiff, I wasn't feeling up to playing.

I didn't want to be a suck either so I agreed to play goalie. At least I wouldn't have to move around too much, wouldn't have to chase the ball down the road in the dark, wouldn't be getting jostled and bumped by guys bigger than me trying to get the ball away from me, or me futilely trying to get the ball away from them.

For a good three quarters of the game I had a really sucky context - how much longer will we be playing?

The opposing side scored at least four goals on me where I was just moving too slow to block the ball. A few of them just went right between my feet and through the goal line. How much longer will we be playing?

When I heard one of the men call out "Next goal wins!" I felt relief. At least the game would end soon. I didn't care which side scored that winning goal because either way would mean that the best team won.

Then I started thinking, what if I played this game as if it did really matter? What if I played it as if I really did have something on the line? There is a saying that the way we do anything is the way we do everything. I have a revenue target of $180,000+ for 2011. I have a fund raising target of $8,000 that I'm raising to help find a cure for arthritis which affects 4 million Canadians. Am I going to play the revenue game, the fundraising game, the way I've been playing this hockey game?

And then the hockey game did begin to matter, and it mattered which side got the winning goal. It mattered because now I had something on the line. I had $180,000+ revenue on the line. I had $8,000 fundraising on the line. I had 4 million Canadians with arthritis on the line.

Once I shifted those thoughts into my mindset I started noticing different results. The ball didn't just roll through my feet over the goal line, it bounced off my stick. Or it landed right under my foot and stopped. I noticed that the big guy who had been repeatedly scoring against me was losing control of the ball more often when he came near me.

Yes, the game was taking longer to finish now and that was okay because now it mattered. And in the end it was our side that scored the next goal and thereby won the game.

It makes a difference to play the game like it really matters. For those 4 million Canadians with arthritis it matters.

The 5AM challenge

Last month I decided to take on a 30-day challenge, to get up at 5am.

Today is Day 28 of that challenge. I have had some interesting experiences as a result of taking this on. I've had the experience of having all items on my to-do list completed by 8:30am. I've had the experience of not having to think about what time to set my alarm for the next day because I consistently set it for 5am. I've had the experience of living very long and very full days. I've had the experience of having my sense of time be completely distorted so that things I did the previous day feel like I did them days ago, and things that I did days ago feel like I did them weeks ago.

The idea of doing this challenge was to have the time to do things during the hours of the day when I normally don't do anything. It was not to kill myself by pulling 16 hour days, and during this challenge I did experience days when I did feel the strain in my body. I had days when I got up at 5, did a few basic routine things and then went back to bed for a few more hours. The idea is not to burn myself out, but to stretch myself a little further.

I have two days left in my 30 day challenge. What's next? I've thought about that question. Do I continue the same challenge for another 30 days? Do I raise the bar even higher and start getting up at 4am? Do I continue to stretch myself but ease off a bit, and start getting up at 6am? Do I stop setting my alarm at all for a while and see at what time I wake up naturally?

I've decided that my next step is to continue with another 30 day 5am challenge with one modification. I will continue to get up at 5am from Monday through Friday and get up at 7am on the weekend.

A leap of faith

One thing I've learned in life is that there are two general ways to reach a goal.

The first way is what I think of as the proactive way. What this looks like is, set a goal, make a plan, and start taking action to move towards that goal. This is the way I approach most of the goals I set for myself.

The second way is what I think of as the attractive way. What this looks like is, set a goal, put the vision out there, and start noticing what I attract that helps me move closer to my goal. This approach requires a leap of faith. Leap and the net will appear.

I've been living at my current address for two and a half years now (see Moving Day). I feel in my gut that it is time to move on. I'm putting it out there - I will move to a place of my own by September 1. The net will appear.

Tether me up!

I got up early this morning to go to my BNI breakfast meeting. Before I headed out the door I decided to check my email, and noticed a message from Else, from the Toastmasters chapter that I belong too. One of the planned speakers had unexpectedly become unavailable, could I give a speech tonight, and since I've recently returned from Fiji then surely I have many interesting stories to tell.

Give a speech tonight? On the day of? Without enough time to prepare? Are you kidding?

Wait a minute. I just got back from Fiji. I graduated from Tony Robbins' Life Mastery and Wealth Mastery programs. I climbed The Poll. I’ve done the Firewalk. Am I really going to crawl back into my comfort zone, crawl back and live inside that box? Is that what I want my life-after-Fiji to look like? Duh. Climbing The Poll won’t mean anything, will be nothing more than a pleasant memory, if I start living like that again. LOOK UP.

I made up my mind that I would give that speech tonight after all. This would be my Speech #6.

I came up with the speech opening while in my car on my way to BNI. I recalled a phrase that I had written in an email I sent to my buddy Dallas the previous day. It was a phrase I had written in a moment in which I was feeling inspired to face a challenge that I had previously been avoiding. “Tether me up, I’m going to climb that pole!” I decided that this phrase was my new mantra and that it would also be the title of my speech.

After my BNI meeting ended I had a meeting with a business associate. I wouldn’t have access to my email until the afternoon so I wouldn’t have a chance to reply to Else, and by then she might find someone else. I didn’t want to let that happen. I decided I’d call her as soon as I arrived at my meeting location. STEP UP.

Ring ring. Else answers. Suddenly I realize that it’s only nine a.m. What if I’m calling her too early?

Only nine a.m.? I’m at my second business meeting of the day and it’s only nine a.m.? Life is not the same, life is changing - that’s for sure. I don’t have jet lag - I’m just living in my own private timezone.

I got a lot of positive and encouraging feedback after I gave my speech tonight. BREATHE. WHAT’S NEXT?

At the end of the meeting Else asked for volunteers to fill the roles for next week’s meeting.

“Is there a speaker slot still available?” I asked. There was. “Tether me up - I’m giving Speech #7 next week.”

One role out, another role in

In a few weeks I will be completing my role as captain of my men’s team, Grand Central.

Shortly after that I will be taking on a new role, as VP Membership of the Toastmasters chapter that I belong to.

Like the song says, “Life is changing.”

Essential Skills Training

Being the captain of a men's team has proven to be challenging, so I've gone and made my life even more challenging by accepting a role as Event Manager for an upcoming weekend workshop called Essential Skills Training.

I've had a taste of the Essential Skills Training workshop through a couple of conference calls that I've been on. I have found them to be powerful and inspiring, and I've come away with some new tools. With a new year coming around the corner I've started setting goals in place for 2010 using what I've learned so far.

I've identified my top three areas of improvement and have started setting goals in those areas. Some times all these challenges I am taking on feel daunting. But - this is the best time of my life to be taking on these challenges; this is the time of my life to be totally reinventing myself.

Grand challenges

My men's team, Grand Central, and its parent team South Central have been facing some difficult challenges. Grand Central and our brother team Sub Central have been alternating between meeting as separate teams and meeting as one large team throughout the summer. How has that worked for us?

Apparently not too well. I think that we became too insular, too inwardly focused. I'll be frank - I think we'd been operating at a shitty level. Shitty to the point that coming into the fourth and final quarter of the year we decided to meet jointly as one large team regularly through to the end of the year so that we could build the teams up again, rekindle that old South Central team spirit.

Things are picking up for the large team, South Central, and men have stepped up to lead various projects that will shift us back to being more outward focused. By outward focused I mean we take on things that reach out to the communities around us.

We've also started a 21 Day Challenge program. This program is based on the premise that it takes 21 days to make or break a habit. Most of the men have identified a habit that they would like to break and a habit that they would like to replace it with. We're using each other as a support and accountability framework to set ourselves up for success. The habit that I'm working on is tidying up my room. I have piles of clutter in my room and every time I take on the project of tidying it up I get so far and stall. I hope that at the end of this 21 Day Challenge I am really proud of what I've done with my room.

Negotiating tactics

There is an adage about negotiating that says, whoever is the first to name a figure loses.

So how does that work when both sides of a negotiation are following the same adage? It seems to me that it would result in a standoff, with both sides avoiding naming any figures.

It also seems to me that the person who follows this strategy would be playing the game of win-lose rather than the game of win-win. Where is the abundance in that?

It seems to me that if I am going to show up in my life as a leader then there are going to be times when I choose to be the one to take the first steps to move things forward to attain my goals. It won't serve me well if I choose to equate that with losing.

Maybe it's time for a new adage.

Perspective of a year

What a difference in perspective a year and a half can make. A year and a half ago I broke off my four year relationship with J. I felt frustrated and disappointed, and after I left I felt grief and a sense of loss.

Only half a year before the break up we had travelled together to Vancouver and Seattle to attend the Twenty First Century Leadership workshop. We had both taken lots of pictures and shot lots of video and done lots of journaling during that trip, and I had a vision of bringing all that content together to make a travel videologue. I hadn't got a good start at that project when I broke up with her, and a year and a half ago if I looked at any of the images from that trip I felt depressed. They reminded me of failure.

Today I look at those videos and I remember with pleasure and fondness that trip. I am looking at those videos now because I have decided I will make that documentary after all, as a portfolio project for my business if nothing else.

J and I have become friends again. One of the tenets of leadership that 21CL teaches is that as a leader I tell myself the truth. I frequently ask myself, "What am I pretending not to know?" I know what were our relational dynamics that often led to the fights we had. I know that she behaves in certain ways and I know that I have a choice in how I respond. I know that if I respond in the way I would naturally respond, then that leads to the same kind of friction that neither one of us enjoyed in the past. For me to continue to respond in the same way that I used to is to pretend that I don't know what I really do know, about her and about how we relate.

Seeds or bouquet?

I was flipping through a book that Fede showed me, titled Jesus CEO. One chapter caught my attention. It's titled He Prized the Seed Rather than the Bouquet. The chapter begins by asking the reader this question, "Which would you rather have, a bouquet of flowers or a packet of seeds?" Most people would pick the bouquet. I know that it was the first thing that came to my mind when I read the question, until I thought about it a little more.

After reading the chapter I thought it would be a good exercise to bring to one of my men's team meetings. I've asked Fede to think about coming up with an exercise based on this idea to next week's meeting.

What choices are represented by the packet of seeds? For me, the answer is growth. Inviting guests to our team meetings - those are the seeds.

Walking on fire

I had an intense and incredible experience at the Tony Robbins program this weekend, Unleash the Power Within. The program went from Thursday to Sunday. The highlight of Thursday was the firewalk. It seems counterintuitive that the firewalk would be on the first night - after all, where do you go after you've done the impossible?

I was impressed by Tony Robbins, I expected that he would put in an appearance for an hour or two and that other speakers would fill the remainder of the program. Surely the promoters were just using his name to sell the program, yes? Well, no. Robbins started around two o'clock on Thursday and he kept on going and going and going. He took no breaks (and gave none either!), and kept going for a good eight hours or so. He has an incredible amount of energy and presence.

The bulk of the program on Thursday was used in preparing the 3,000 participants for the firewalk. The top three tools that he used to reinforce the learning were repetition, repetition, and repetition. For most of the afternoon I did not know whether I would do the firewalk or not. I had various reasons for not doing it, but I also could see clearly what was on the other side for me if I did - I saw the rest if my life on the other side.

I thought about the saying, if you want to walk on water you have to get out of the boat. I stood by and watched other people do the walk. I stood by for quite a while then noticed that I was letting lots of people walk past me and do the walk while I just watched. I finally mustered up my courage and moved into line. Soon I was at the front of the line and it was my turn.

It took about five quick steps and it was over. Woo hoo! I did it! I didn't feel any heat at all during my walk. The sensation I felt was like walking on cool ashes. I felt something peel off the bottoms of my feet after I came out of it. Did I sear the skin on my feet? Were the bottoms of my feet all burned and blackened with layers of skin peeling off?

No. It was just leaves and grass that had stuck to my feet before I did the walk, and were now peeling off. My feet were fine, still white. In fact, the day after they felt like I had just had a great foot massage.

I celebrated my triumph with some of the other participants and I texted a few people to brag about what I'd just done and then I headed back to the convention hall to get my shoes and socks. When I got back to the hall, it seemed that I could tell by the look on people's faces who had done the walk and who had not. I was really glad that I was one of the people who did do it.

A Grand team meeting

If any team meeting had the potential to be a totally screwed up meeting it was tonight's meeting (see A Grand new journey). I was burned out all last week and didn't tackle planning the meeting until Sunday night - the night before. Kind of late for delegating major parts of the meeting to other men. So I would need to prepare to lead most of it myself. Add to that half the team being busy and not coming, add to that we met at a location where we had never met before, add to that me being late because I didn't leave the house early enough to get to the site on time, add to that there was only one man there when I arrived...

Despite all that, it was a great meeting for the men who did come. In total we were five men - four members plus one first-time guest. I remained focused on my context, purpose, and results, and on delivering value. My purpose was "having great communication in all relationships", and a couple of results I had were "all men including guests are encouraged to participate" and "men are encouraged to be open with each other". With that in mind, I managed to direct a non-purposeful chit-chat session into a spontaneously developed exercise in which men shared things about themselves and then expressed what they learned about the other men.

What I learned - we don't need to have a large number of men present to have a Grand meeting. Also that I am good at being flexible, adapting my agenda on the fly, generally by listening to and trusting my intuition. It does speak to me when I need it. Although this is a strength that is good to have for producing value under dubious circumstances, I have to be careful not to become too cocky, not to use it as a substitute for planning and preparation.

Oh, by the way, I finally had a chance to say "Make it so" tonight.

A Grand new journey

Tonight I have completed in my role as member of the core team in my Men's Division. It's been a long journey, of about three and a half years, and it is a journey that I am proud to have taken.

I don't think of it as something that I have completed, so much as something that I have exchanged for a new journey. My new journey is as Captain of a new team in the Division - team Grand Central.

When I joined the Men's Division (MDI), I joined a team called South Central. Team South Central has changed quite a bit since then. It has become a more powerful team, a team of leaders. It has also grown in numbers, to the point where men started talking about splitting the team.

Some men were in favour of splitting the team and some were opposed, but I think that all agreed that an eventual split was inevitable. Thus was born the Intentional Growth strategy - a vision and a plan for South Central to manage its own growth and evolution rather than split in anticipation of becoming too large to be effective.

Out of the Intentional Growth strategy came the idea of operating as two teams that were "separate but connected". This is a unique mode of operation within the Division, but then South Central has developed a team culture of innovating and pioneering.

Grand Central is one of the two "separate" teams that has born out of the growth of South Central, and I am looking forward to my new journey and my new role as Captain of this team.

Two deliverables

I had two deliverables due this week that were significant to me. The first deliverable was the completion of the first milestone for Phase III in my OSEB program - Mission Statement and Company Profile. The second deliverable was my participation in the Team Dynamics Training event held by MDI.

I completed my milestone assignment on Thursday evening and handed it in on Friday morning. I took the night off from rehearsal to have more time to complete it.

The Team Dynamics Training event was an all-day event yesterday, Saturday. I think the training went well and I feel good about how I did in my part.

Getting my first milestone completed in my OSEB program and delivering a successful TDT training are my top two accomplishments of this week and both are events worth celebrating.

Mission Statement

My first assignment for the OSEB program is due next week. My assignment is to write the Mission Statement and Company Profile section of my business plan. This is what I have come up with for my mission statement: To create and shape new and better realities.

How well does this work as a mission statement for my business? For it to work it has to be more than a mission statement for my business, it has to be a mission statement for my life.

I've decided to operate under the premise that, whether or not I know my mission statement, I am living it out in my life. So to test this MS I would look at different parts of my life and ask "How does this MS show up in this area of my life?"

How does this MS show up in my music? When I write music, the song that I create becomes a new reality.

How does this MS show up in my writing? When I write for my novel, the characters and situations that I create become a new reality.

How does this MS show up when I participate on the training team for the Legacy Discovery weekend with my men's division? When I train a man or give a man my truth and he makes a different choice and improves his life, then I have shaped a new and better reality.

So I think that my mission statement lines up well with my personal mission and is close to my personal ideology, if not bang on.

Thoughts on network marketing

I am skeptical and cynical when it comes to network marketing businesses. I have heard so many bad things about them. There may be legitimate ones out there, but how does one differentiate the legitimates from the scams? I think that network marketing has gotten enough of a bad rap, that if the industry wants to be taken seriously then it better start cleaning up after itself.

Someone I know has recently approached me to join one. I've looked at the inviting scripts that I am supposed to use, and I what I see in them is that I will not establish credibility in my personal network if I use these scripts. For example, if they ask "is this multi-level marketing?" I am supposed to respond with "Absolutely it is; and its one of the finest. You have to be at my house tomorrow!"

So what is it that makes this company be one of the finest? Are there any facts to back this up or is it just a hyped up claim?

And what's with the have to language? One thing I have learned about leadership is that I do not get people to follow me by telling them they have to do anything. I have people follow me when I am being authentic and open; I have people follow me when I inspire them.

Here's another example of script that I don't like. "Listen, I just found a way for us to make some serious money! Trust me and be at my house Tuesday!" Okay, what's with the trust me language? When I hear someone say trust me an alarm goes off. I either trust someone or I don't. When my people trust me, they trust me because of my actions and because of the way I'm being. When I am being trustworthy and in integrity, my people do trust me - I don't need to tell them.

So I am skeptical and cynical when it comes to network marketing. Every once in a while I decide that I want to be more open minded about it, but when I do I start to find things about it that I don't agree with.

Dating and due diligence

After years and years of being in and out of relationships I've finally figured out the concept of doing my due diligence when it comes to dating. The concept sounds really simple now, but I have been sloppy about it in the past.

I have learned that there are two things I want to find out about a potential partner before I get involved: is the playing field clear, and is there mutual interest. As I said, it's simple and obvious when I state it that way, but time and time again I have ignored these two principles and paid the price.

Vetting out if the playing field is clear - I have learned that there are certain subtleties to watch out for. Just because a woman is single does not mean she is available! Doh! How much time and energy have I spent pursuing a woman who, though single, was not available? There are other factors besides the existence of a husband or other male attachment that signal availability. Unresolved emotional issues, unhealthy habits and attitudes, are other indicators of non-availability to me. Of course, a woman might be available by someone else's standards and not by mine - I have learned that in the end I must judge only by my own standards whether she is available.

Mutual interest - I have spent far too much time and energy pursuing women who were not interested in me, thinking that if I said this or did that I will impress them and gain their interest. Forget that game! I have paid the price of playing that game with decreased self-confidence and self-esteem. Ain't worth it, not playing it no more. I am who I am and I'm an interesting person, and I'm better off using my time and energy surrounding myself with people who are genuinely interested in me and want to help me win than in trying to get someone interested in me who is not.

One other thing I've learned about dating. I've learned that when a woman I am interested in says she wants to be friends, it usually means that a woman that I want to sleep with does not want to sleep with me but wants me around to talk to about the guys she is sleeping with. That sucks and that's definitely a game not worth playing.

First mix of Thank You

I have four songs in the process of being recorded now. Make that five, if I count the Holy Spirit Rain Down/Let It Rain medley as two separate songs. At tonight's session I went back to the first song of the bunch, Thank You. The last time I worked on this song was when we added the vocals and guitar solo (see Recording vocals).

There are still some guitar parts I've thought of adding, but I've got a lot of tracks down already so I decided to do a "premix" using what was already there. I've come back to this song after letting it rest since July and I have to say that I really like how it sounds. I am proud of the work that the musicians have put into it. A few times I've heard them tell me Remember we're not professionals, and I just have to ask them to stop saying that. They are all experienced, skilled and talented people.

We made three different versions of the mix tonight. The differences between the three are minor though, and lie in how we handled the lead guitar on the ending. In the first version we kept it the way David originally performed it. In the second version we edited his performance so it sounds like he sustained the final note rather than repeatedly picking it. In the third version we edited his original performance so that it sounded like he repeatedly picked the final note longer than he actually did.

I considered making a couple of alternate mixes, one with more emphasis on the piano performance and one with more emphasis on the rhythm guitar - there are so many different things that I can do with this song that if I try out all my ideas I will never finish this project.

How dating is like football

So without going down to the level of crudity, here is how I see the Dating Game as being like football.

The Dating Game is like football except I have an unlimited number of downs to make touchdown - I am not limited to three or four downs before I lose possession of the ball.

There is no opposing team to tackle me. I may fall or fumble the ball. If I fall it is not because someone has tackled me, it is simply because I fell. Maybe my shoelaces were untied and I tripped over them - I get up, retie my shoelaces and try again. Maybe the most I can run is six yards at a time so I advance the ball as far as I can before I stumble, then get up and move the ball the next six yards. I challenge and stretch myself so that I reach the point where I advance seven yards at a time.

I never lose possession of the ball. When I stumble I might drop the ball and lose track of where the ball is. I find the ball then continue my next play from there.

When the pond is dry I cast my line in another pond. I haven't figured out a football analogy for this one yet so I am murphing my mixaphors.

Shaking the tree

One of the commitments I made at my recent Twenty First Century Leadership retreat (see Rebuild, reimagine, renivent) was to become proactive, and learn what steps I can take to accelerate the process of finding a match to be my Little Brother. I have been waiting for a match for a long time now (see The Big Brother waiting game).

Since returning from Seattle, I've started shaking the tree - I've made several follow up calls and have made some progress. I've learned that the lady who took my application last year is no longer with BBBST. I've learned who has taken over my case file. I now have an appointment set up for an interview with the new case worker.

As far as my leadership commitments go, I am on track with this one. I think I may actually have a match by the end of the month, and I'm getting excited about this new adventure and about writing this new chapter of my life.