Posts
6:10am Last night I set my alarm for seven this morning. I decided I was going to give myself some extra sleep time because I've had a string of late nights this week. I decided that I would redefine how and when I was going to do my Mile today. So my alarm hasn't gone off yet but I'm awake.
8:14am On the subway now. Got some thoughts going through my head now but nothing I want to put in writing right now. I'll use the ride to meditate, to get into a calmer, more focused frame of mind.
4:53pm My work day and my work week are over now. I'm on my way to my appointment with Sherry. Standing room only on the subway, a little awkard to type on my PDA.
Got a seat at Union Station when a bunch of people got off. This is easier now.
I started working on the Bulk Close function today. That was one of my goals for the week, to get the Made Safe dropdown list function working and rolled out into Test environment, and start on Bulk Close.
I made some decisions yestrday about my relationship with my anger. I had an insight actually. I've realized that somewhere along the journey of my life, I've bought into the notion that I'm supposed to learn not to get angry anymore when I'm faced with a situation that I don't like. I think that proposition doesn't serve me. I think I've confused "being angry about something" with "how I express my anger".
The choice I am making about my anger is that I am going to accept it. Accept that it's a part of me. Let's face it, there are situations in which I'm going to get pissed off. So I'm choosing to be okay with that.
I've also made a choice... Gotta go.
6:48pm Done my appointment with Sherry now, and I'm back on the subway heading home. I was about to write about another choice I made yesterday. I heard two people tell me they think I hate my dad. I wasn't sure how I was going to take that at first, but I've made a decision now. I'm choosing to not buy into other people's story about me. I'm not saying that they're right about me and I'm not saying that they're wrong, but it's their story and not mine. My relationship with my dad is what it is. I know it's not what other people think it should be, and I'm not going to do anything about that. And I'm going to embrace that these two people (and maybe even more than two) have this story about me. Why grandma, what an interesting story you have about me!
11:44pm When I got home after my appointment with Sherry, J was out. She went to visit Jan at the hospital. First night that I've been home after work this week, and I got the house to myself for the next hour or so - should be just enough time to watch an episode of Battlestar Galactica. Twenty minutes into the episode, J comes home. Jan has apparently been discharged from the hospital.
I put my program on pause and we go out for dinner. This time I choose the place. We go, we eat, we chat. I think about bringing up a subject I wanted to discuss with Josephine, then decide against mentioning it. I feel tired as it is; this has too much potential to spiral into another out-of-control conversation. I decide to hold off and wait for a better opportunity. We eat, we chat. We come home. All is peaceful. I watch the rest of my Battlestar Galactica episode.
My Mile today ended up being a walk around the block to the subway after I finished up my appointment with Sherry. Tomorrow I'll jog three laps around the park - because I know I can.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
A Day in the Life Of - Part II, Wednesday
6:21am My alarm hasn't gone off yet but I can't sleep anymore. Lots of thoughts going through my head. Thoughts about how I feel so exposed, uncomfortable, having published my Day In the Life Of post on Monday - yet I feel driven to write another one. Thoughts about how that's probably been in my way ever since whenever, why I write so much but have yet to complete a book, like I've wanted to since my first visit to public library as a young boy. Thoughts about my conversation with Jan last night at the hospital.
My alarm should be going off... strike that, it goes off before I finish writing it down. Mile time.
8:58am On subway now, on my way to work. Jogged two laps around the park today. In doing so, I acknowledged a truth that I already knew - that when I got to the point that I could jog a complete lap then I was already at the point that I could jog two laps. That's not because I'm in better shape now, although it's true that I am in better shape now. But the real reason I can jog two laps is that I've found my pace, the pace I can sustain for one lap or two, maybe even three.
11:53am Today, my day proceeds at a faster pace than the last two days have been. Breakfast time conversation with J, I decided to open up and share some of the conversation I had with Jan at the hospital last night. It's tough, because I haven't processed it all yet. J starts giving me feedback about my communication not being clear. I become frustrated; maybe I should not say anything at all until I've processed it and edited and revised what I want to say so it all makes sense and my communication is crystal clear. I become frustrated but decide to press on anyway. If I wait until I do all that, then by the time I'm done I'll be in a different place and have a totally different experience to share, a totally different communication I want to make. I decide to press on anyway because I think that by doing so, I am initiating a more meaningful conversation.
Jan said that she thinks I have a lot of anger towards my father. She thinks that my problems with J are not about J but about my father. Jan thinks I've told her that I hate my father - that's a strong statement and I don't I said anything like that.
J has told me something similar in the past. She thinks that I hate my father and that I am becoming like him. Wait a minute, if that's even true then the syllogism would be that I hate myself.
Why do two people in two days tell me that they think I hate my father? What is her evidence that I think that? I ask J; she cannot identify anything specific, says it's a vibe that she picks up from me. I accept her answer.
I need to get going to work. Brush my teeth, get ready, all that stuff. Before I leave, I come back to J. I tell her, when I said that I needed for her to shut up I didn't intend to be mean, that I was trying to share something that was difficult for me and I needed to stop her so that I could do it. I kiss her and head off to work.
4:59pm Getting near to the end of the working day. What did I accomplish today for work? Fixed a bug with Investigation Notes. I've been feeling like it's a never ending sea of bugs. I have three bugs on my list, I fix them, meanwhile the testers have found three more bugs so I feel like I am running a lot but staying in the same place. A perpetual list of bugs.
We had a team status meeting this morning and I found a way to feel motivated. The changes I made are currently in Testing environment, scheduled to go into Production near the end of September - if the testers are confident with the system. So I making my goal to be, I am defining my job to be, to make sure the system works, is stable and earns the confidence to be placed into Production in September. Every time I fix a bug I move closer to that goal. Yeah, that's the way I want to look at it. Each bug is a telephone poll that I pass on my morning Mile; don't think about how far I'm running or how many polls there are, just get to the next poll.
8:44pm At the Sushi 2 Go restaurant with J. We went for a swim & hot tub, now out for dinner. Tomorrow is her insurance exam; she's been studying for it all week and this evening she is relaxing and taking care of herself. I'm happy to see her doing all this. I did a combination of laps in the pool as well as just floating around and enjoying the water. I feel relaxed now, a little sleepy. Oh yeah - this is my deposit back into my body, for Monday night.
9:05pm So we've placed our orders and got our miso soup already. We're waiting for the main dish we each ordered. Suddenly J remembers that the last she ate here she got sick.
She asks our server and learns that the restaurant was under different ownership for a while, most likely during the time she was last here (a year or two ago). She is relieved; one thing she doesn't have to worry about.
10:21pm Dinner is done, I just dropped her off at home and I've gone to the park for a walk. What was a lovely evening ended in a conversation that spiralled out of control and resulted in bad feelings for both of us.
10:44pm I've recited the tenets twice now here in the park. I feel a bit calmer now but I still do not feel ready to go back to the house. I don't trust... I don't feel enough trust to go back yet.
Looked up an email I remember Becca wrote last week. I remember there were some words she wrote about her brother that I found inspiring at the time I read them - "I decided I would fight for that love that I still have for him". Fight for that love - sounded like great words when I read them last week. Right now that concept sounds effin' scary.
But it's a better thought to go home with than "I don't feel enough trust". Fake it til you make it. Now grab your balls and say "I'm going home!"
My alarm should be going off... strike that, it goes off before I finish writing it down. Mile time.
8:58am On subway now, on my way to work. Jogged two laps around the park today. In doing so, I acknowledged a truth that I already knew - that when I got to the point that I could jog a complete lap then I was already at the point that I could jog two laps. That's not because I'm in better shape now, although it's true that I am in better shape now. But the real reason I can jog two laps is that I've found my pace, the pace I can sustain for one lap or two, maybe even three.
11:53am Today, my day proceeds at a faster pace than the last two days have been. Breakfast time conversation with J, I decided to open up and share some of the conversation I had with Jan at the hospital last night. It's tough, because I haven't processed it all yet. J starts giving me feedback about my communication not being clear. I become frustrated; maybe I should not say anything at all until I've processed it and edited and revised what I want to say so it all makes sense and my communication is crystal clear. I become frustrated but decide to press on anyway. If I wait until I do all that, then by the time I'm done I'll be in a different place and have a totally different experience to share, a totally different communication I want to make. I decide to press on anyway because I think that by doing so, I am initiating a more meaningful conversation.
Jan said that she thinks I have a lot of anger towards my father. She thinks that my problems with J are not about J but about my father. Jan thinks I've told her that I hate my father - that's a strong statement and I don't I said anything like that.
J has told me something similar in the past. She thinks that I hate my father and that I am becoming like him. Wait a minute, if that's even true then the syllogism would be that I hate myself.
Why do two people in two days tell me that they think I hate my father? What is her evidence that I think that? I ask J; she cannot identify anything specific, says it's a vibe that she picks up from me. I accept her answer.
I need to get going to work. Brush my teeth, get ready, all that stuff. Before I leave, I come back to J. I tell her, when I said that I needed for her to shut up I didn't intend to be mean, that I was trying to share something that was difficult for me and I needed to stop her so that I could do it. I kiss her and head off to work.
4:59pm Getting near to the end of the working day. What did I accomplish today for work? Fixed a bug with Investigation Notes. I've been feeling like it's a never ending sea of bugs. I have three bugs on my list, I fix them, meanwhile the testers have found three more bugs so I feel like I am running a lot but staying in the same place. A perpetual list of bugs.
We had a team status meeting this morning and I found a way to feel motivated. The changes I made are currently in Testing environment, scheduled to go into Production near the end of September - if the testers are confident with the system. So I making my goal to be, I am defining my job to be, to make sure the system works, is stable and earns the confidence to be placed into Production in September. Every time I fix a bug I move closer to that goal. Yeah, that's the way I want to look at it. Each bug is a telephone poll that I pass on my morning Mile; don't think about how far I'm running or how many polls there are, just get to the next poll.
8:44pm At the Sushi 2 Go restaurant with J. We went for a swim & hot tub, now out for dinner. Tomorrow is her insurance exam; she's been studying for it all week and this evening she is relaxing and taking care of herself. I'm happy to see her doing all this. I did a combination of laps in the pool as well as just floating around and enjoying the water. I feel relaxed now, a little sleepy. Oh yeah - this is my deposit back into my body, for Monday night.
9:05pm So we've placed our orders and got our miso soup already. We're waiting for the main dish we each ordered. Suddenly J remembers that the last she ate here she got sick.
She asks our server and learns that the restaurant was under different ownership for a while, most likely during the time she was last here (a year or two ago). She is relieved; one thing she doesn't have to worry about.
10:21pm Dinner is done, I just dropped her off at home and I've gone to the park for a walk. What was a lovely evening ended in a conversation that spiralled out of control and resulted in bad feelings for both of us.
10:44pm I've recited the tenets twice now here in the park. I feel a bit calmer now but I still do not feel ready to go back to the house. I don't trust... I don't feel enough trust to go back yet.
Looked up an email I remember Becca wrote last week. I remember there were some words she wrote about her brother that I found inspiring at the time I read them - "I decided I would fight for that love that I still have for him". Fight for that love - sounded like great words when I read them last week. Right now that concept sounds effin' scary.
But it's a better thought to go home with than "I don't feel enough trust". Fake it til you make it. Now grab your balls and say "I'm going home!"
Monday, August 27, 2007
A Day in the Life Of - Part I, Monday
6:14am Alarm goes off a couple of times before I finally stir. Looks dark out, but getting brighter by the minute. I find Chandler curled up at the foot of the bed. I feel inspired from reading Michelle's blogs last week and decide to write a Day in the Life Of style post. Let's get dressed and do the Mile.
6:51am Back from my Mile. Jogged one complete lap around the park, walked another lap. My Mojo Mile. Went over tenets on my second lap. Paused at #2. Thinking, I frequently recite the tenets, am not frequently asking myself what am I pretending not to know. It wasn't as dark out as it appeared from bedroom window when my alarm went off.
7:26am Remembered during my Mile that I hadn't taken my meds on the weekend. The events of the weekend disrupted my routine. (Snap! Voice of Phil inside my head - the weekend didn't make you forget. Right, I am the source).
Having a conversation with Phil in my head is a little creepy - I think of Baltar on Battlestar Galactica, the inner conversations he keeps having. I morph Phil into Lori, with a red dress like what Tricia Helfer, wears on the show. Okay, not so creepy now, I feel calmer. But wait, what am I pretending not to know? Why am I identifying with the character of Baltar the traitor? Now that's creepy, and a little disturbing.
7:36am Idea - make a photo storybook about Chandler. I have enough pictures of him.
8:15am On the bus, on my way to work. Writing on the bus is difficult sometimes because the bus is shaky, bumpy. Just as I was about to leave for work J says, "Once again, you didn't answer my question". What are you talking about, what question? A question about when I will write her a certain check. What are you talking about, we had an entire discussion about that, I told you where I am with that and what I have to do to bring the funds together in order to give you that check. She starts saying my communication wasn't clear, blah blah blah. Have a nice day, I say and go out the door to work. I feel annoyed and don't want to to fall into that suckhole. While walking to the bus stop I think about the tenets. Tell myself the truth - what answer does J really want from me? Lead with cooperation, keep my word, keep my conversation aligned with my purpose.
11:09am Having trouble getting into "work mode". Looked up my mindmap from Friday - what should I be doing today? Oh yeah, test the changes I made when I added the Work Type dropdown list. I'll make a test plan, add it to my mindmap so I can later use it to generate documentation for my client - adding value - but that's very analytical thinking and my brain is just not there right now. It's that left brain/right brain thing (I always forget which side is which. Is it Right=Rational, therefore Left=Creative? Or is it Left=Logical, therefore Right=Creative?) I read Michelle's blog to balance my brain, feed the non-analytical side thinking that will help me get into an analytical frame. Michelle mentions something Neil wrote in his blog, so I go there too, read a few posts, and my mind goes off on several more tangents.
3:27pm I've completed my test plan. Called Jan at the hospital, got no answer. Called Jan & Fede's home number expecting to get voice mail; Fede was actually home and I chatted with him for a bit. He is frustrated with the beaurocratic limitations of getting one hospital to share information with the other hospital. I know Fede wrote this morning that he'll be too busy to post to the yahoo group for a while, so I offered to be his conduit to the 21CL yahoo group and to the men's team, to be his conduit to keep them informed of what is going on. One of the men on my team said he was willing to meet with Fede at the hospital tonight if that would be supportive. I checked with Fede and he has accepted the offer. My men's team is planning to visit another man tonight who is in bad shape, he tried to commit suicide several months ago by swallowing acid and his innards are all messed up. So tonight is an opportunity for my men's team to show up in a couple of men's lives and make a difference and show them our heart.
5:22pm I may have started off my day with a Mojo Mile but my mojo didn't stay with me, at least not as far as work goes. As far as day's productivity goes, it was a Tell Me Why I Don't Like Mondays kinda day. The highlight of my day, the moment at which I felt the most connection with my mojo was when I thought about what it meant to have my men's team visit two men as our team meeting. Frak the agenda, this is where the heart of a men's team is.
5:57pm So there are a couple of men on my team that are also hanging around downtown. We've been calling each other on our cellphones, coordinating plans to meet and eat before going to visit {the man who had tried to commit suicide}. Usually I don't have this kind of contact throughout the week with my team; I like this and feel more connected with my team.
I wait on King Street to meet Dan. J calls on my cellphone while I wait for Dan. She has a request for me and I feel uncomfortable about it. I tell her that. The conversation starts to feel like another sparring match; I end the call and turn off my cellphone. I walk with Dan to {meeting place}; I am distracted with thoughts of the conversation I just had with J. After a while I notice that I am barely present with Dan at all; I let him know that I am feeling distracted and share my thoughts and feelings about my phone call.
11:09pm On the subway, heading home after my men's team meeting. Now that was a meeting, I think the best team meeting we've ever had. A meeting in which we just threw out the agenda and made it all about context, made it all about showing up in someone's life and making a difference. And it wasn't just, let's make a difference we'll pick up some trash or bake brownies or paint a wall. This was make a difference when there is literally a life on the line.
12:31am Finally got home, got through my emails and cleared a couple of tons of spam and synced my PDA to my desktop. J is still up; she's hooked up the karaoke mike and is having fun singing. For me it's a late night. Stew, my coach, put forth this proposition, that Wealth = Health; when I take care of my body and eat properly and exercise then I am making a deposit, and when I skip exercise and don't eat properly and don't get enough sleep then I am making a withdrawal. Tonight I am making a big withdrawal by staying up so late. I know my balance is positive and tonight the return has been worthwhile. I'll have to watch my balance throughout the rest of the week though; if I keep making withdrawals a this rate I will deplete my balance. It's dark outside again, the day has come to a close. I enjoyed writing this Day In The Life Of post - thanks Michelle and thanks Neil for the writing inspiration.
6:51am Back from my Mile. Jogged one complete lap around the park, walked another lap. My Mojo Mile. Went over tenets on my second lap. Paused at #2. Thinking, I frequently recite the tenets, am not frequently asking myself what am I pretending not to know. It wasn't as dark out as it appeared from bedroom window when my alarm went off.
7:26am Remembered during my Mile that I hadn't taken my meds on the weekend. The events of the weekend disrupted my routine. (Snap! Voice of Phil inside my head - the weekend didn't make you forget. Right, I am the source).
Having a conversation with Phil in my head is a little creepy - I think of Baltar on Battlestar Galactica, the inner conversations he keeps having. I morph Phil into Lori, with a red dress like what Tricia Helfer, wears on the show. Okay, not so creepy now, I feel calmer. But wait, what am I pretending not to know? Why am I identifying with the character of Baltar the traitor? Now that's creepy, and a little disturbing.
7:36am Idea - make a photo storybook about Chandler. I have enough pictures of him.
8:15am On the bus, on my way to work. Writing on the bus is difficult sometimes because the bus is shaky, bumpy. Just as I was about to leave for work J says, "Once again, you didn't answer my question". What are you talking about, what question? A question about when I will write her a certain check. What are you talking about, we had an entire discussion about that, I told you where I am with that and what I have to do to bring the funds together in order to give you that check. She starts saying my communication wasn't clear, blah blah blah. Have a nice day, I say and go out the door to work. I feel annoyed and don't want to to fall into that suckhole. While walking to the bus stop I think about the tenets. Tell myself the truth - what answer does J really want from me? Lead with cooperation, keep my word, keep my conversation aligned with my purpose.
11:09am Having trouble getting into "work mode". Looked up my mindmap from Friday - what should I be doing today? Oh yeah, test the changes I made when I added the Work Type dropdown list. I'll make a test plan, add it to my mindmap so I can later use it to generate documentation for my client - adding value - but that's very analytical thinking and my brain is just not there right now. It's that left brain/right brain thing (I always forget which side is which. Is it Right=Rational, therefore Left=Creative? Or is it Left=Logical, therefore Right=Creative?) I read Michelle's blog to balance my brain, feed the non-analytical side thinking that will help me get into an analytical frame. Michelle mentions something Neil wrote in his blog, so I go there too, read a few posts, and my mind goes off on several more tangents.
3:27pm I've completed my test plan. Called Jan at the hospital, got no answer. Called Jan & Fede's home number expecting to get voice mail; Fede was actually home and I chatted with him for a bit. He is frustrated with the beaurocratic limitations of getting one hospital to share information with the other hospital. I know Fede wrote this morning that he'll be too busy to post to the yahoo group for a while, so I offered to be his conduit to the 21CL yahoo group and to the men's team, to be his conduit to keep them informed of what is going on. One of the men on my team said he was willing to meet with Fede at the hospital tonight if that would be supportive. I checked with Fede and he has accepted the offer. My men's team is planning to visit another man tonight who is in bad shape, he tried to commit suicide several months ago by swallowing acid and his innards are all messed up. So tonight is an opportunity for my men's team to show up in a couple of men's lives and make a difference and show them our heart.
5:22pm I may have started off my day with a Mojo Mile but my mojo didn't stay with me, at least not as far as work goes. As far as day's productivity goes, it was a Tell Me Why I Don't Like Mondays kinda day. The highlight of my day, the moment at which I felt the most connection with my mojo was when I thought about what it meant to have my men's team visit two men as our team meeting. Frak the agenda, this is where the heart of a men's team is.
5:57pm So there are a couple of men on my team that are also hanging around downtown. We've been calling each other on our cellphones, coordinating plans to meet and eat before going to visit {the man who had tried to commit suicide}. Usually I don't have this kind of contact throughout the week with my team; I like this and feel more connected with my team.
I wait on King Street to meet Dan. J calls on my cellphone while I wait for Dan. She has a request for me and I feel uncomfortable about it. I tell her that. The conversation starts to feel like another sparring match; I end the call and turn off my cellphone. I walk with Dan to {meeting place}; I am distracted with thoughts of the conversation I just had with J. After a while I notice that I am barely present with Dan at all; I let him know that I am feeling distracted and share my thoughts and feelings about my phone call.
11:09pm On the subway, heading home after my men's team meeting. Now that was a meeting, I think the best team meeting we've ever had. A meeting in which we just threw out the agenda and made it all about context, made it all about showing up in someone's life and making a difference. And it wasn't just, let's make a difference we'll pick up some trash or bake brownies or paint a wall. This was make a difference when there is literally a life on the line.
12:31am Finally got home, got through my emails and cleared a couple of tons of spam and synced my PDA to my desktop. J is still up; she's hooked up the karaoke mike and is having fun singing. For me it's a late night. Stew, my coach, put forth this proposition, that Wealth = Health; when I take care of my body and eat properly and exercise then I am making a deposit, and when I skip exercise and don't eat properly and don't get enough sleep then I am making a withdrawal. Tonight I am making a big withdrawal by staying up so late. I know my balance is positive and tonight the return has been worthwhile. I'll have to watch my balance throughout the rest of the week though; if I keep making withdrawals a this rate I will deplete my balance. It's dark outside again, the day has come to a close. I enjoyed writing this Day In The Life Of post - thanks Michelle and thanks Neil for the writing inspiration.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
The Dirk universe
Some thoughts on the demographic makeup of my reimagined Dirk universe; some science, and some history.
The scientists of this universe never discovered what Einstein in our universe discovered. They never learned about the speed of light being a limit on the speed of travel. Thus their curiosity and technology developed without the restrictions that such knowledge brings.
The omyn were the first people who reached out into space. They were driven by their curiosity, their imagination. At first they explored their own star system. They discovered new worlds, they colonized them, and so they spread out.
They discovered the kablad, an easy going, agrarian (note to self: look up what agrarian actually means), spiritually developed but technologically underdeveloped people. The kablad florurished from contact with the omyn. They too spread out into space, they intermingled with the omyn, and most distinctions between the two races faded as the kablad assimilated themselves into the omyn culure.
Today, the known universe includes three star systems, densely populated. Most of the population think of themselves as omyn, that is if they bother to to name themselves at all, and they recognize the few kablad that walk among them, work with them.
The scientists are aware of the effects of velocity on mass, they postulate that there may be a limit on the speed of travel but no one has ever proved it and most people find the idea farfetched. Thus, Interspace was discovered, and Nexus Station was built.
Interspace is a dimension of space, what might be called hyperspace in another science fiction universe (e.g. Babylon 5). A ship enters into Interspace by passing through a nexus field. Nexus Station is a gateway to the other known star systems. It works by generating a nexus field around a ship. Nexus Station also has hotel, entertainment, and conference facilities.
The scientists of this universe never discovered what Einstein in our universe discovered. They never learned about the speed of light being a limit on the speed of travel. Thus their curiosity and technology developed without the restrictions that such knowledge brings.
The omyn were the first people who reached out into space. They were driven by their curiosity, their imagination. At first they explored their own star system. They discovered new worlds, they colonized them, and so they spread out.
They discovered the kablad, an easy going, agrarian (note to self: look up what agrarian actually means), spiritually developed but technologically underdeveloped people. The kablad florurished from contact with the omyn. They too spread out into space, they intermingled with the omyn, and most distinctions between the two races faded as the kablad assimilated themselves into the omyn culure.
Today, the known universe includes three star systems, densely populated. Most of the population think of themselves as omyn, that is if they bother to to name themselves at all, and they recognize the few kablad that walk among them, work with them.
The scientists are aware of the effects of velocity on mass, they postulate that there may be a limit on the speed of travel but no one has ever proved it and most people find the idea farfetched. Thus, Interspace was discovered, and Nexus Station was built.
Interspace is a dimension of space, what might be called hyperspace in another science fiction universe (e.g. Babylon 5). A ship enters into Interspace by passing through a nexus field. Nexus Station is a gateway to the other known star systems. It works by generating a nexus field around a ship. Nexus Station also has hotel, entertainment, and conference facilities.
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