My third lap

I jogged three laps today on my Mile! Woo-hoo!

I was feeling pretty good as I was rounding out my second lap. Getting green lights across the board, the guys in the control room at NASA telling me that all systems were looking good and to go for it. I felt encouraged.

Then as often is the case, I came to the eleven o'clock position and started feeling resistance. Two laps is good enough for today. I'll go for three another day. How many times have I said that to myself - how many times will I wait for "another day"?

As I came around to the end of my second lap, I had just about convinced myself I would do just two today. I was about to slow into a walk, my cooldown walk. And then... a sudden burst of mojo, and I keep going. Halfway around on my third lap, I'm thinking ecstatically to myself, This is my third lap! This is my third lap!

This is my success story today (for this part of today).

A Weekend in the Life Of, Part II - Sunday

8:10am Decided to do an easy Mile this morning. I set an alarm last night, a Sat-Sun alarm on my cell phone, and it worked this morning. I probably would have slept another hour if it had not gone off.

Noticed I had a new voicemail alert on my phone. Checked my voicemail, found a message from Pastor Hardy timestamped 9:30 last night, asking if I could do the song sheets for today's service. It's kind of last minute-ish, but I can do it.

I came to the rescue last week. Cindy and Steve both realized on Sunday morning that no one had thought to print up the song sheets. What with all the excitement and preparation that went into the Saturday event, Vern & Angie's wedding anniversary, this just fell through the cracks. Steve usually does the song sheets, but he was busy sorting out a problem with the sound board he'd rented for the event, so I stepped up to do them. Steve gave me the instructions; they were easy to follow and I whipped up the song sheets in about 15 minutes. Hardy was impressed that I did them so quickly. I don't think it is right that only a handful of people know how to do this stuff and I don't think it's right that Steve had to do everything. So I offered to be an additional resource for doing the song sheets, now that I know how.

Wasn't sure if Hardy had already found someone to do the song sheets for today and I wasn't sure how early I could call their house in the morning, so I did my Mile first. Did an easy Mile. What with doing two laps jogging yesterday plus the laps I did swimming, I decided to go easy, give my body some regeneration time. I walked one lap, jogged one lap, walked a third lap. When I got home it was eight - I figured that was a reasonable time at which to call Hardy. He was relieved to hear from me.

I downloaded the song lyrics from the CCLI web site and pasted them into a Word file. Took about half an hour to do, sent the file to Hardy so he could print copies, and got on with getting myself showered and dressed.

What a feeling of team, what a feeling of community, what a feeling of family. I arrive at Hardy and Cindy's house for home church - there is a pile of song sheets all printed out. I pick one up for myself, taking pride in my work.

A few weeks ago I was in this house for a home church service. I was exhausted that day. Burned out, and nodding off. Not today. This morning I am energized. Like I just did my Mile.

1:53pm Just got home from home church. We had a congregational meeting to talk about some proposals for where we are going to meet going forward. The church offerings have not kept up with the expenses and we cannot continue to operate in this mode. The proposals are for not renting the big room, the cafetorium, at the school where we hold our services throughout the year, but to rent the smaller classrooms either once a month, twice a month, or three times a month.

I jotted down some phrases I heard from various members of the congregation. These are phrases that I heard that spoke to me about what is our congregational vision for what a church is:
- studying the word,
- praying together,
- breaking bread together (like we did at Vern and Angie's wedding anniversary; more than just a bread crumb at communion)
- worship,
- intimate time together learning about each other's lives

Some concerns I heard come up:
- wheel chair accessibility,
- consistency - when we invite someone to come as a guest, where do we tell them we meet? "Well, that depends on which weekend you come".

I talked with J about what her ideal church experience is. What does she need that would get her to come more often? (I'm thinking like a leader here, thinking "how can I create a church experience that Josephine will want to be a part of"). Some of the things she wants - a place where she can go for solitude, a place where she can go to talk to God.

She asks me what keeps me going back to JCC. Being on the worship team. A sense of community, a sense of family. Being in service. Feeling like I am a valued and contributing member.

9:40pm We got the laptop. J came with me to Best Buy to pick it up. The plan was we go to Best Buy, get the laptop, then go get our groceries and come home. After we got the laptop J says, I'm not comfortable leaving it in the car while we do our groceries; let's take it home first. Sounds like she can't wait to get her hands on it. When we get home I ask, We're just dropping off the laptop and going back out for groceries, right? Quick in and out? Yeah, she says. Then takes it out of the box, powers it up, starts checking out all the features. Yeah, this is not going to be a quick in and out operation. Usually she's the one dragging me out to go for groceries and I'm the one who wants to play with the new toy. Got a little role reversal thing happening today!

Eventually we get our groceries and come home for dinner. I put groceries away in the basement and do some work on my computer (the one we don't need to fight over any more). When I come up, dinner is ready - and the laptop is in the kitchen, J and her mom are using it to watch a DVD. A Filipino rock band video.

It's like having a television in the kitchen, J says. Thank you! she says, unprompted, a big smile on her face.

Accentuate the positive - that smile, the smile that lights up her whole face, her eyes crinkle a bit around the corners, that's her When you smile the whole world smiles with you smile. That's one of the best things I've seen in this relationship in the last two or three weeks.

We watch a few Filipino music videos, J, her mom, and I. When was the last time the three of us did something together like this? Spend quality time. I feel some anxiety, thinking I've got some homework to do and I'm not doing it. But I remind myself that this is family time that we're sharing; that this time counts as being productive and on purpose.

A Weekend in the Life Of, Part I - Saturday

6:48am My alarm did not go off this morning. My PDA is gravely ill so I've been using my cell phone as my morning alarm. It did not go off today - I look at it to find out why, then realize that I set the alarm for Mon-Fri only. I miss my PDA.

Besides the alarm function, I miss having my PDA with me for writing. So I've decided to write a "Weekend In The Life Of" series this weekend. I am using a small blue notebook that Jan gave me in 2003. In it she inscribed To capture your thoughts in... a lot classier than serviettes. She gave this to me in 2003 but I haven't written in it much, I've used mostly PDA's for writing. The first couple of things I wrote in this notebook...

Feb 18, 2003 Boldness means giving expression to the whispers of my dreams rather than the shouts of my fears.

Feb 19, 2003 God never says goodbye.

I recall what was going on in my life when I wrote those two notes. I was living in my own house at the time. Jan was dating John then, John was renting a room in my house. I was working with a coach named Colleen to define my Vision for my life, and my Life Purpose statement. Jan was finalizing her divorce. It was a late night and the three of us, Jan, John, myself, were sitting in the kitchen at my house. Jan was very emotional, filling out the paperwork for her divorce. John and I were there to support Jan.

I'm writing this in a notebook, writing by hand. I can write a lot faster by hand today than I can type on my PDA. But it means I'll have to type all this into my computer if I'm going to post this.

Well, it's a Saturday morning, which is often the only day of the week where I get to sleep in. Sleeping in today means I'm still getting up around 7, it just means I wasn't awakened by my alarm at 6, didn't go through the snooze cycle.

My relationship with J feels off track again. Feels like no one is leading it. Feels like there is just no energy in it at best, and an energy drain at worst. Time to ask What is leading in this relationship going to look like? What is it going to look like this week? Think accentuate the positive - what was the best thing about this relationship in the last two or three weeks?

7:13am It's Mile time!

8:45am Mile is done, shower is done, paid a bill online. I did my standard Mile, what my current standard is, which is two laps jogging and third lap walking. My cool-down walk. Plan to go to Best Buy and/or Tiger Direct. I'm going looking for a laptop for J, and to find out if I can get my LifeDrive (PDA) fixed. J wants to come too, she wants to return something to Best Buy.

2:02pm Back from Best Buy. J didn't end up going with me; I was ready to go at ten and she didn't think she'd be ready to go so she said to go ahead without her. I dropped of my LifeDrive for servicing. It's not under warranty; there's a diagnostic charge of $40, which is cheap compared to the cost of buying a new PDA. The turnaround time is a month, which is a long time to be without a PDA. I'll just have to be open to all the learning opportunities this presents.

I've also ordered a laptop for J - this was one of my 21CL commitments. Tenet #3 - As a leader I keep my word and honour my commitments.

Best Buy is installing some software on it and making a Recovery disk for it, and it should be ready for pickup tomorrow by six.

7:25pm I had a big nap in the afternoon. I had thought to take J for dinner to Penelope, downtown, but she decided she wasn't feeling up to that. She's feeling some back pain. She decided she wanted to go use the hot tub at her condo, so I went with her.

I balanced my time in the pool between doing laps and talking to J. I did a set of four laps then took a break. (A lap, my definition, is there and back, because the pool is only half length). Did another set of four laps, another short break, then set of two laps. All in total I did ten laps. Between doing the Mile and doing laps in the pool, I'm two thirds of the way to becoming a tri-athlete!

Sat in the hot tub with J for a while. Just having a relaxing ole time.

There is a lounge here, overlooking the pool, with a bookcase. A small library. Nice ambiance. Great place to come to, do a workout, some swimming, spend time in the hot tub, the sauna, then sit in the lounge and write!

10:29pm Driving home from the condo, one of the roads was closed. There was a street festival on. J parked the car and we went for a walk, checking out the festival. Got gyros at one of the booths. J said it was the best gyros she ever had. Her back was feeling better after the swimming & hot tubbing.

We walked past the Second Cup and J asks me if I want to go in and get something. No. I got something there about four years ago and I still have it. This Second Cup, it's the one we went to on our first date. We go in, J has an apple cider and I have a Berry Boost Smoothie. We watch people come in and out of the store. Finish our drinks, walk back to the car and drive home. I had paid for only one hour of parking and we were now one hour past the expiry time. No parking ticket - the parking angels were looking out for us.

So back to my question from this morning, thinking positive, what was the best thing about this relationship in the last three weeks? Dancing at the Vern and Angie's wedding anniversary celebration last week, and being noticed for it (recognition!). Dancing is one arena where we have gotten along well. I remember the first time I took J to a dancing event. I didn't have any of that first time we're dancing together, gotta get used to a new partner kind of awkwardness. I just led her to the dance floor, we danced and we looked and felt natural doing it. I like to polka, she likes salsa and latin dances. We did some of both and we both had fun that night.

My most memorable dance event with J was when she invited me to her company Christmas party a couple of years back. I had requested a polka from the deejay. We had the last dance of the evening; the song was Who Stole the Kishka. I remember that she wore her red dress that night (there's that red dress theme again! The lady in red is dancing with me.) We had almost the entire dance floor to ourselves - only one other couple dared to share the floor with us. By the time the music finished, we were the only couple on the floor. I didn't even notice when the other couple had left the floor - must have been after I started spinning J around in double time.

Ha ha, I just googled Who Stole the Kishka and found a few hits on You Tube. Watched a few of the videos. Some are funny, some are weird, but I did enjoy hearing the music - even if the tempo was slower than what I'm used to. Note to self - start making some content to put up on You Tube.

That's all for today.

Changing the Dance

There is a saying, that the way I do anything is the way I do everything. With that in mind, I compare the way I've been doing my Mile with the way I do this relationship dance with J.

Since I've been doing my Mile the last three or four weeks, I am in better shape, more fit. I've continually redefined my standard as my level of fitness has increased - from walking one lap, to walking two laps, to jogging sections of a lap to jogging an entire lap, to jogging two entire laps, to attempting to jog three laps.

Some days I go out and push my envelope, stretch myself into a new standard. Some days I go out and remember to be compassionate with myself, give my body some time to regenerate, and slow down to a lower standard. Sometimes it feels like taking two steps forward, followed y four steps backward, followed by a baby step, a baby step, a baby step, a baby step, just to get back to where I started from. Then I get to leap forward two or three steps again, and define a new standard again.

So this relationship dance - I think I am doing a better job of using the By me, on me, for me principle. I am being very conscientious about applying that one, and in not engaging in using the tenets and ground rules of 21CL as sparring weapons. I am putting a lot of effort into remaining aware of when I might be doing that and in sucking back when I am tempted to engage that way. I don't always succeed, and sometimes I have to throw my hands up and walk away from a situation, reground myself.

I haven't been tracking how many tenets or ground rules I am violating but I have been getting more conscientious of which ones I am applying; of connecting the various actions and strategies I use to move myself in the direction of keeping my Leadership commitments, connecting those actions and strategies with the tenets and ground rules.

One area in which I am still challenged is the dance of anger that keeps showing up in my relationship. Phil and Lori teach that it takes one person to change a relationship. I am willing to buy that when it comes to relationships in general but am finding it hard to apply it to the dance of anger. I am in a place where I feel like I have been working really hard at managing my own anger reaction myself and that I need my partner's cooperation to really get out of that dance. Perhaps the thought my partner isn't cooperating doesn't serve me and I could stretch my line of ownership and replace that thought. Then again, I also need to tell myself the truth and ask what am I pretending not to know. What am I pretending not to know, and how else can I interpret when I repeatedly ask my partner to stop treating me in a way that does not work for me, and my partner just keeps doing it until I blow up?

By keeping in mind that what I focus on expands, I will focus on my purpose rather than my problem. Focus on my purpose for being in relationship with my partner is to have a physically and emotionally healthy, caring, supportive, family unit. And hold my partner as able to follow when I lead, and to lead when I falter.

Twenty Years

8:03am Big day at church today. It's Vern and Angie's 20th wedding anniversary. It's also about 20 years since this church was started. Vern and Ange have been there since the beginning.

It's Mile time. My body is not to eager to be moving right now. It'll change its mind when I get outside.

9:22am Back from my Mile. It was - I struggled with it this morning. Felt like I was pushing it, even on the first two laps. The third lap - didn't make it all the way jogging. Did the first quarter, felt like I was just pushing too hard, so I walked the rest of the third lap. When I got home I did some Tai Chi moves in the backyard - what I remembered of the moves I learned in 21CL.

10:37am Breakfast time conversation with J, is a trip down memory lane for both of us. For J, visiting St. Joseph's yesterday was a trip back to her old neighborhood. She used to live their when she first came to Canada.

"I lived there too when I first came to Canada" I tell her.

"What do you mean when you first came to Canada, you were born here".

"Exactly," I reply. I was born in St. Joseph's hospital. I remember my parents saying they've lived on Pearson and on Westminster, though I don't remember those houses.

11:00am I'm going to have to learn the discipline of stretching when I exercise. My leg are feeling cramped up.

1:05pm This handsome bum is going to a wedding! I heard there is going to be dancing so I is wearing my dancing shoes. Better have a polka waiting for me!

2:28pm Traffic was starting to back up on the 401 just before I turned off at Guelph Line. Some people who arrived after I did said traffic was backed up even further now.

Steve, the sound guy was all frazzled. "I wish you'd gotten here two hours ago," he says when I arrive. I would have if he'd called me. Of course, I wouldn't have looked as beautiful if I had, but I'd have made the sacrifice.

The rest of the worship team has arrived. Dave is plugged in and is warming up by practicing his Rush repertoire. Distortion guitar, loud amplifier, outdoors, sounds great. Aaron jams with him on the drums. What a joyful noise!

A Day in the Life Of - Part III, Friday

6:10am Last night I set my alarm for seven this morning. I decided I was going to give myself some extra sleep time because I've had a string of late nights this week. I decided that I would redefine how and when I was going to do my Mile today. So my alarm hasn't gone off yet but I'm awake.

8:14am On the subway now. Got some thoughts going through my head now but nothing I want to put in writing right now. I'll use the ride to meditate, to get into a calmer, more focused frame of mind.

4:53pm My work day and my work week are over now. I'm on my way to my appointment with Sherry. Standing room only on the subway, a little awkard to type on my PDA.

Got a seat at Union Station when a bunch of people got off. This is easier now.

I started working on the Bulk Close function today. That was one of my goals for the week, to get the Made Safe dropdown list function working and rolled out into Test environment, and start on Bulk Close.

I made some decisions yestrday about my relationship with my anger. I had an insight actually. I've realized that somewhere along the journey of my life, I've bought into the notion that I'm supposed to learn not to get angry anymore when I'm faced with a situation that I don't like. I think that proposition doesn't serve me. I think I've confused "being angry about something" with "how I express my anger".

The choice I am making about my anger is that I am going to accept it. Accept that it's a part of me. Let's face it, there are situations in which I'm going to get pissed off. So I'm choosing to be okay with that.

I've also made a choice... Gotta go.

6:48pm Done my appointment with Sherry now, and I'm back on the subway heading home. I was about to write about another choice I made yesterday. I heard two people tell me they think I hate my dad. I wasn't sure how I was going to take that at first, but I've made a decision now. I'm choosing to not buy into other people's story about me. I'm not saying that they're right about me and I'm not saying that they're wrong, but it's their story and not mine. My relationship with my dad is what it is. I know it's not what other people think it should be, and I'm not going to do anything about that. And I'm going to embrace that these two people (and maybe even more than two) have this story about me. Why grandma, what an interesting story you have about me!

11:44pm When I got home after my appointment with Sherry, J was out. She went to visit Jan at the hospital. First night that I've been home after work this week, and I got the house to myself for the next hour or so - should be just enough time to watch an episode of Battlestar Galactica. Twenty minutes into the episode, J comes home. Jan has apparently been discharged from the hospital.

I put my program on pause and we go out for dinner. This time I choose the place. We go, we eat, we chat. I think about bringing up a subject I wanted to discuss with Josephine, then decide against mentioning it. I feel tired as it is; this has too much potential to spiral into another out-of-control conversation. I decide to hold off and wait for a better opportunity. We eat, we chat. We come home. All is peaceful. I watch the rest of my Battlestar Galactica episode.

My Mile today ended up being a walk around the block to the subway after I finished up my appointment with Sherry. Tomorrow I'll jog three laps around the park - because I know I can.

A Day in the Life Of - Part II, Wednesday

6:21am My alarm hasn't gone off yet but I can't sleep anymore. Lots of thoughts going through my head. Thoughts about how I feel so exposed, uncomfortable, having published my Day In the Life Of post on Monday - yet I feel driven to write another one. Thoughts about how that's probably been in my way ever since whenever, why I write so much but have yet to complete a book, like I've wanted to since my first visit to public library as a young boy. Thoughts about my conversation with Jan last night at the hospital.

My alarm should be going off... strike that, it goes off before I finish writing it down. Mile time.

8:58am On subway now, on my way to work. Jogged two laps around the park today. In doing so, I acknowledged a truth that I already knew - that when I got to the point that I could jog a complete lap then I was already at the point that I could jog two laps. That's not because I'm in better shape now, although it's true that I am in better shape now. But the real reason I can jog two laps is that I've found my pace, the pace I can sustain for one lap or two, maybe even three.

11:53am Today, my day proceeds at a faster pace than the last two days have been. Breakfast time conversation with J, I decided to open up and share some of the conversation I had with Jan at the hospital last night. It's tough, because I haven't processed it all yet. J starts giving me feedback about my communication not being clear. I become frustrated; maybe I should not say anything at all until I've processed it and edited and revised what I want to say so it all makes sense and my communication is crystal clear. I become frustrated but decide to press on anyway. If I wait until I do all that, then by the time I'm done I'll be in a different place and have a totally different experience to share, a totally different communication I want to make. I decide to press on anyway because I think that by doing so, I am initiating a more meaningful conversation.

Jan said that she thinks I have a lot of anger towards my father. She thinks that my problems with J are not about J but about my father. Jan thinks I've told her that I hate my father - that's a strong statement and I don't I said anything like that.

J has told me something similar in the past. She thinks that I hate my father and that I am becoming like him. Wait a minute, if that's even true then the syllogism would be that I hate myself.

Why do two people in two days tell me that they think I hate my father? What is her evidence that I think that? I ask J; she cannot identify anything specific, says it's a vibe that she picks up from me. I accept her answer.

I need to get going to work. Brush my teeth, get ready, all that stuff. Before I leave, I come back to J. I tell her, when I said that I needed for her to shut up I didn't intend to be mean, that I was trying to share something that was difficult for me and I needed to stop her so that I could do it. I kiss her and head off to work.

4:59pm Getting near to the end of the working day. What did I accomplish today for work? Fixed a bug with Investigation Notes. I've been feeling like it's a never ending sea of bugs. I have three bugs on my list, I fix them, meanwhile the testers have found three more bugs so I feel like I am running a lot but staying in the same place. A perpetual list of bugs.

We had a team status meeting this morning and I found a way to feel motivated. The changes I made are currently in Testing environment, scheduled to go into Production near the end of September - if the testers are confident with the system. So I making my goal to be, I am defining my job to be, to make sure the system works, is stable and earns the confidence to be placed into Production in September. Every time I fix a bug I move closer to that goal. Yeah, that's the way I want to look at it. Each bug is a telephone poll that I pass on my morning Mile; don't think about how far I'm running or how many polls there are, just get to the next poll.

8:44pm At the Sushi 2 Go restaurant with J. We went for a swim & hot tub, now out for dinner. Tomorrow is her insurance exam; she's been studying for it all week and this evening she is relaxing and taking care of herself. I'm happy to see her doing all this. I did a combination of laps in the pool as well as just floating around and enjoying the water. I feel relaxed now, a little sleepy. Oh yeah - this is my deposit back into my body, for Monday night.

9:05pm So we've placed our orders and got our miso soup already. We're waiting for the main dish we each ordered. Suddenly J remembers that the last she ate here she got sick.

She asks our server and learns that the restaurant was under different ownership for a while, most likely during the time she was last here (a year or two ago). She is relieved; one thing she doesn't have to worry about.

10:21pm Dinner is done, I just dropped her off at home and I've gone to the park for a walk. What was a lovely evening ended in a conversation that spiralled out of control and resulted in bad feelings for both of us.

10:44pm I've recited the tenets twice now here in the park. I feel a bit calmer now but I still do not feel ready to go back to the house. I don't trust... I don't feel enough trust to go back yet.

Looked up an email I remember Becca wrote last week. I remember there were some words she wrote about her brother that I found inspiring at the time I read them - "I decided I would fight for that love that I still have for him". Fight for that love - sounded like great words when I read them last week. Right now that concept sounds effin' scary.

But it's a better thought to go home with than "I don't feel enough trust". Fake it til you make it. Now grab your balls and say "I'm going home!"

A Day in the Life Of - Part I, Monday

6:14am Alarm goes off a couple of times before I finally stir. Looks dark out, but getting brighter by the minute. I find Chandler curled up at the foot of the bed. I feel inspired from reading Michelle's blogs last week and decide to write a Day in the Life Of style post. Let's get dressed and do the Mile.

6:51am Back from my Mile. Jogged one complete lap around the park, walked another lap. My Mojo Mile. Went over tenets on my second lap. Paused at #2. Thinking, I frequently recite the tenets, am not frequently asking myself what am I pretending not to know. It wasn't as dark out as it appeared from bedroom window when my alarm went off.

7:26am Remembered during my Mile that I hadn't taken my meds on the weekend. The events of the weekend disrupted my routine. (Snap! Voice of Phil inside my head - the weekend didn't make you forget. Right, I am the source).

Having a conversation with Phil in my head is a little creepy - I think of Baltar on Battlestar Galactica, the inner conversations he keeps having. I morph Phil into Lori, with a red dress like what Tricia Helfer, wears on the show. Okay, not so creepy now, I feel calmer. But wait, what am I pretending not to know? Why am I identifying with the character of Baltar the traitor? Now that's creepy, and a little disturbing.

7:36am Idea - make a photo storybook about Chandler. I have enough pictures of him.

8:15am On the bus, on my way to work. Writing on the bus is difficult sometimes because the bus is shaky, bumpy. Just as I was about to leave for work J says, "Once again, you didn't answer my question". What are you talking about, what question? A question about when I will write her a certain check. What are you talking about, we had an entire discussion about that, I told you where I am with that and what I have to do to bring the funds together in order to give you that check. She starts saying my communication wasn't clear, blah blah blah. Have a nice day, I say and go out the door to work. I feel annoyed and don't want to to fall into that suckhole. While walking to the bus stop I think about the tenets. Tell myself the truth - what answer does J really want from me? Lead with cooperation, keep my word, keep my conversation aligned with my purpose.

11:09am Having trouble getting into "work mode". Looked up my mindmap from Friday - what should I be doing today? Oh yeah, test the changes I made when I added the Work Type dropdown list. I'll make a test plan, add it to my mindmap so I can later use it to generate documentation for my client - adding value - but that's very analytical thinking and my brain is just not there right now. It's that left brain/right brain thing (I always forget which side is which. Is it Right=Rational, therefore Left=Creative? Or is it Left=Logical, therefore Right=Creative?) I read Michelle's blog to balance my brain, feed the non-analytical side thinking that will help me get into an analytical frame. Michelle mentions something Neil wrote in his blog, so I go there too, read a few posts, and my mind goes off on several more tangents.

3:27pm I've completed my test plan. Called Jan at the hospital, got no answer. Called Jan & Fede's home number expecting to get voice mail; Fede was actually home and I chatted with him for a bit. He is frustrated with the beaurocratic limitations of getting one hospital to share information with the other hospital. I know Fede wrote this morning that he'll be too busy to post to the yahoo group for a while, so I offered to be his conduit to the 21CL yahoo group and to the men's team, to be his conduit to keep them informed of what is going on. One of the men on my team said he was willing to meet with Fede at the hospital tonight if that would be supportive. I checked with Fede and he has accepted the offer. My men's team is planning to visit another man tonight who is in bad shape, he tried to commit suicide several months ago by swallowing acid and his innards are all messed up. So tonight is an opportunity for my men's team to show up in a couple of men's lives and make a difference and show them our heart.

5:22pm I may have started off my day with a Mojo Mile but my mojo didn't stay with me, at least not as far as work goes. As far as day's productivity goes, it was a Tell Me Why I Don't Like Mondays kinda day. The highlight of my day, the moment at which I felt the most connection with my mojo was when I thought about what it meant to have my men's team visit two men as our team meeting. Frak the agenda, this is where the heart of a men's team is.

5:57pm So there are a couple of men on my team that are also hanging around downtown. We've been calling each other on our cellphones, coordinating plans to meet and eat before going to visit {the man who had tried to commit suicide}. Usually I don't have this kind of contact throughout the week with my team; I like this and feel more connected with my team.

I wait on King Street to meet Dan. J calls on my cellphone while I wait for Dan. She has a request for me and I feel uncomfortable about it. I tell her that. The conversation starts to feel like another sparring match; I end the call and turn off my cellphone. I walk with Dan to {meeting place}; I am distracted with thoughts of the conversation I just had with J. After a while I notice that I am barely present with Dan at all; I let him know that I am feeling distracted and share my thoughts and feelings about my phone call.

11:09pm On the subway, heading home after my men's team meeting. Now that was a meeting, I think the best team meeting we've ever had. A meeting in which we just threw out the agenda and made it all about context, made it all about showing up in someone's life and making a difference. And it wasn't just, let's make a difference we'll pick up some trash or bake brownies or paint a wall. This was make a difference when there is literally a life on the line.

12:31am Finally got home, got through my emails and cleared a couple of tons of spam and synced my PDA to my desktop. J is still up; she's hooked up the karaoke mike and is having fun singing. For me it's a late night. Stew, my coach, put forth this proposition, that Wealth = Health; when I take care of my body and eat properly and exercise then I am making a deposit, and when I skip exercise and don't eat properly and don't get enough sleep then I am making a withdrawal. Tonight I am making a big withdrawal by staying up so late. I know my balance is positive and tonight the return has been worthwhile. I'll have to watch my balance throughout the rest of the week though; if I keep making withdrawals a this rate I will deplete my balance. It's dark outside again, the day has come to a close. I enjoyed writing this Day In The Life Of post - thanks Michelle and thanks Neil for the writing inspiration.

The Dirk universe

Some thoughts on the demographic makeup of my reimagined Dirk universe; some science, and some history.

The scientists of this universe never discovered what Einstein in our universe discovered. They never learned about the speed of light being a limit on the speed of travel. Thus their curiosity and technology developed without the restrictions that such knowledge brings.

The omyn were the first people who reached out into space. They were driven by their curiosity, their imagination. At first they explored their own star system. They discovered new worlds, they colonized them, and so they spread out.

They discovered the kablad, an easy going, agrarian (note to self: look up what agrarian actually means), spiritually developed but technologically underdeveloped people. The kablad florurished from contact with the omyn. They too spread out into space, they intermingled with the omyn, and most distinctions between the two races faded as the kablad assimilated themselves into the omyn culure.

Today, the known universe includes three star systems, densely populated. Most of the population think of themselves as omyn, that is if they bother to to name themselves at all, and they recognize the few kablad that walk among them, work with them.

The scientists are aware of the effects of velocity on mass, they postulate that there may be a limit on the speed of travel but no one has ever proved it and most people find the idea farfetched. Thus, Interspace was discovered, and Nexus Station was built.

Interspace is a dimension of space, what might be called hyperspace in another science fiction universe (e.g. Babylon 5). A ship enters into Interspace by passing through a nexus field. Nexus Station is a gateway to the other known star systems. It works by generating a nexus field around a ship. Nexus Station also has hotel, entertainment, and conference facilities.

Ride the Ducks!

Today we did a touristy thing called Ride the Ducks. This is a tour on an amphibious bus; a tour of downtown Seattle combined with a sea tour. Our tour guide was a wild whacky woman who went by the name Claire Boyant. She sang, she danced, she made us laugh.

We also made it to the Experience Music Project (EMP) museum, and the Science Fiction museum. I saw William Shatner's tunic, the one that he wore during the filming of Star Trek - The Original Series. I also saw scripts, with notes on them, handwritten by the cast; I saw the captain's chair, and helm console, as they were used in the filming of the series.

At the EMP, I saw Jimi Hendrix's handwritten diary, with some handwritten letters. Cool, cool. We also experienced an event called On The Stage, where we made our own rock video! It's too bad that cameras were not allowed in the two museums.

Although we were around the Space Needle, we didn't quite make it up. There were just too many things to see and do in a short period of time and going up to the top of the Needle just didn't make it on the list. Maybe next time.

Seattle

Today is the first day of my vacation time in Seattle, with J, having completed the 21st Century Leadership program. I could say (and will say) that today is the first day of the rest of my life. Today I feel like I am having a functional, productive, above the line team experience with J.

J does what she does, which is doing the research - finding out what attractions are around, finding out what the possibilities are, and essentially outlining the agenda. I really appreciate this because I like knowing I have a structure in place and like knowing where I am in the context of my structure.

I know that once we have our agenda, I will do what I do, which is defender of the agenda, or executor of the agenda. It is being the Chief of Staff, being the guy who takes care of the details and makes sure the agenda is followed and executed.

Today is a day for taking care of business - taking care of laundry, checking emails, getting in touch with our people back home. I really want to have my laundry cleaned because I only brought enough essentials for one week away from home and am now on my second week. I have been recycling for a couple of days, so this is bordering on emergency.

I noticed that the people of Seattle are so friendly, so service oriented, so humble and willing to engage.

After dropping off my laundry we took a bus to Pike Place Market. We had lunch at the Sound View Cafe. After lunch we wandered around the market and met a man named Michael Yaeger. Michael is the self-titled honorary mayor of Pike Place Market. He delighted in showing me a video he produced about the market and in talking with us. Inside his shop I found a book - with his name on it. I was impressed. Clearly this is a multi-talented man.

21st Century Leadership

So it's been two and a half years since I became engaged to J (see "It's a nice box"). During these two and a half years, a lot has happened, and a lot has not happened. We have had a lot of fights, we have had a lot of arguments, we have had a lot of conflict. We have had a few short-lived breakups. That's all dirty laundry which I have generally kept out of this blog.

The six day workshop that I attended with J, 21st Century Leadership, was the laundromat. Can't quite call them the dry cleaners; there was rain, there were tears.

There was stubbornness, there was determination. There was intensity, there was tiredness, there was irritation, there was hurt; there was friendship, there was challenge, there was fun, there was laughter, there was learning. Extraordinary learning.

And so in the midst of this environment, I learned what I had forgotten. I learned the answer to a question that a mere week ago I could not answer: What is good about my relationship with J? I did not actually find an answer to the question What is *good* about it, but I found an answer to a better question, What is *great* about it. What is great is when I remember that J is gentle, sweet, caring. When I remember that, it is great. And that smells fresh and clean and warm like clothes that have just come out of the dryer.

Adventure in Capilano

Today was an adventure! We went for a walk this morning, got up early and walked around the harbour, then went for breakfast. J has discovered, or rather re-discovered, the world of journaling for herself.

After breakfast and a couple of hours changing our travel plans to Seattle, we finally got under way to Capilano. We took a bus across the Lions Gate Bridge to Capilano, paid the hefty admission price and went in. Now I remembered why I hadn't crossed the suspension bridge last time I was in Vancouver, which was about ten years ago - because of the admission price. But anyways, we were already there, what were we going to do, go back? Besides, it might be another ten years before I'm back this way again!

So we did the Capilano Suspension Bridge. I crossed it the first time, and I was pretty nervous. By the time I got across I was sweating! What made me nervous was not so much the swaying, because I usually enjoy that. It was that there were so many people on the bridge ahead of me and they kept on stopping. I was so nervous crossing that I didn't even want to use my camcorder; I was holding on to the railing the whole way across.

My return crossing was a different story. There were fewer people on the bridge so I could walk faster, in the centre, with a wide stance. I held the camcorder in front of me, waist level, for most of the way back, recording. At about the three quarters of the way point I noticed it wasn't recording anymore - the battery must have drained.

We also did the Treetop Adventure at Capilano. It was a series of walkways suspended from trees. Several hundred feet above the ground! It was fun, and we took lots of pictures, videos, and voice recordings, and J wrote more in her journal. So we have lots of material with which to produce a travel documentary!

When we came back from Capilano, we took the SeaBus across the bay. Then we decided to take the SkyTrain for a ride. When we returned to the hotel we were both tired but happy. It was a great day, and a great way to start off for the upcoming 21st Century Leadership program.

Morning in Vancouver

J got up this morning while I was still in bed. She looked out the window and said, Oh my God!. I thought that some disaster had befallen, but she was simply expressing her admiration for the view. She said, Let's get up and go for a walk. I could have used a couple more hours of sleep, but what the heck, I got up anyways. In a couple of days I will be at 21st Century Leadership, getting up for the morning ritual - The Mile.

While I was getting myself up and ready, she wrote in her journal, describing the view she was seeing. My goodness, she was actually writing! I have encouraged her many times to journal, and I was impressed that she was actually doing so.

We go for a walk. J puts her journal down on the sidewalk while she takes pictures with her cellphone. I offer to carry her journal in my camera bag and she declines. What if I need to write something down?. You see - she *is* a writer! Thinking like a writer. Always carry a book, always be ready to capture a moment of inspiration.

I wait patiently while she writes, just as she has waited so many times while I've been tapping away into my Palm Pilot. I think her creative spirit has woke up.

We walk around the Bayshore and make frequent stops so J can add to her journal. (Later, she would count that she had written six pages in her pocket journal). We walk along and stop again to look at the float planes. Two of them take off during the time that we watch them. I shoot some footage with my camcorder but by this time I need to go to the washroom badly and I cannot stand still enough to get those good long shots.

Finally we go to a hotel and I go in to use their washroom. Afterwards, we walk a few blocks more to a breakfast place called The White Spot. We each have Belgium waffles and fresh orange juice. We also read to each other from our respective journals, and thus a seed for a new bonding ritual is planted.

J is amazed with her own rediscovered writing abilities, and realizes that I saw the writer in her. It looks like J has finally started her journey, it looks like she has finally started her own 21st Century Leadership.

She beams when I read out my observations about her, and I take a moment of silent pleasure about something I've done for her that she doesn't know about yet. She didn't bring a CD for 21CL, so I have secretly picked one on her behalf. I will surprise her with it later. The CD I picked is by Louis Armstrong, and the song I picked for her is When You're Smiling. The line that speaks to me that I want to gift to her, is When you're smiling, the whole world smiles with you. I think of this as I look at her beaming face and I know I made absolutely the right choice.

Black silhouetted mountains

I do in fact enjoy travelling, once I actually get out. It's the preparation, the packing, that puts me off. The stress of getting all those things done that ought to be done before leaving on a trip. Knowing that I always pack too much and end up using only a fraction of what I bring with me on a trip. Playing the guessing game of what the weather will be like at my destination for the duration of the trip; playing the prediction game of deciding what clothing to bring and what not to bring so that I am prepared for all outcomes.



Once I'm at the airport, luggage checked in, security cleared, and I'm just waiting to hear the boarding call, I start to relax and get excited about going somewhere.

Saturday July 14 - I am in Vancouver with J. We are here for a couple of days, on a stopover on our way to Seattle. We have a room here at the The Westin Bayshore, overlooking a marina, black mountains silhouetted in the background - the view is gorgeous! This room was arranged for us by a friend with help from J's brother. Thank you both! I greatly appreciate it.

Fatherly urges

I have been feeling some desires to be a dad. The idea kind of scares me. It's a big responsibility and it can be expensive, right? Would I still be able to attain my goal of financial independance?

The idea scares me but it also attracts me. I like being uncle to my nieces and nephews; I like spending time with them and playing with them and being the occasional parental figure with them. But at the end of the day they're somebody else's kids. At the end of the day, after a long long day when they're tired they want to go and be with their own mommy. Someone else decides how to raise them, someone else decides when they come to visit and how often and for how long, and whether or not they'll come camping or come to church. And that is how it should be because all of that is their parents' responsibility.

But there is a piece of me that wants it for me. As I mentioned the other night to one of the men on my men's team, I don't have kids but I'm a dad at heart. It actually felt really good to say that! The other day I was speaking with someone about the subject on the phone. At the end of the call I felt like I was standing at the bottom of a big mountain looking up and saying with a big grin on my face, I'm going to climb that mountain!

Technology, music, physical challenges

The RA I have in my hands is making it difficult for me to learn to play keyboard or guitar or bass well. That's been getting me to thinking - there must be people out there in the world that have a passion for making music but are limited by severe physical challenges. So why not use technology, bring together all the necessary components (they already exist!) and put it all together in a way that a person who has physical challenges can overcome their limitations and be able to play a musical instrument? The way that hand and mouth artists are able to paint despite no limbs.

I know that hardware can be expensive so maybe there is some venture capitalist or philanthropist out there who would find it worth their while to finance such an undertaking.

I feel inspired by the story of Diane Dupuy, the founder of Famous People Players. She created a venue for people with mental and physical disabilities to express themselves in a theatrical context. She had a powerful vision.

So how about a similar vision, a vision of a world in which people with physical ability is not a handicap to being able to express oneself musically.

Thoughts on combining signal delay with pitch bend

So I'm familiar with the technique of using a Delay effect in audio production; this allows a signal to be played back after a slight delay from the original signal. This technique can be used, for example, to play quarter notes and have them sound like eighth notes.

What I'm thinking about is the possibility of running the delayed signal through something that will change its pitch. Reason does not have a pitch-bend device that I know of, but some devices do have a function that can change the pitch. The Subtractor is one that comes to mind. If I lowered the pitch by 4 or 5 semitones, then the delayed notes would actually be played back as a different note in the same chord as the original note. I would expect that this could produce an interesting arpeggiation effect.

Have Metropass, will travel

It is cool having a Metropass. I can get on any bus or any streetcar anytime and I don't have to make sure I have enough change or have a token. I can spontaneously decide to get off the bus I'm on and take a different one without having to make sure I have a transfer. If I'm waiting too long for the subway to come, I can change my mind about going somewhere; I can get off the transit system and decide to walk or drive instead, without feeling like I wasted a token. Or if I have some unexpected downtime when I'm in the core of the city I can spontaneously decide to go for a ride on the Sheppard line just because I have not been on the Sheppard line yet since it opened five years ago.

The Sheppard-Yonge Station used to be called just Sheppard back before the new line was built. Back when I used to ride the subway as a young boy. Just like I did today.

I got off the northbound train heading up the Yonge line and climbed up the stairs, following the signs towards the tracks of the Sheppard line. I got to the top of the stairs - and there it was. Wow! A brand new subway station! It was like seeing something out of my dreams, a mysterious, secret subway station that existed only in my imagination. Only this one existed in the real world.

Like a young boy, I rode at the front of the first car, looking into the tunnel as the train moved. Like when I rode on the Spadina line when it opened.

What secrets do these underground tunnels know? What mysteries do they hide? What tracks exist, going into unknown places, concealed from the general public?

Slept in the tent

J's nieces and nephew visited this weekend. It was not only Father's Day, it was also my baby niece's second birthday (see It's nice to have a niece and Photo-shopping). J got them all stirred up about the idea of sleeping in a tent in the backyard. My four year old nephew was particularly excited about it and couldn't wait for me to finish my dinner so that we could go set up the tent.

I had purchased the tent several years ago when I met J so that I could take her camping with me. I didn't think she would enjoy my previous tent, the small two and a half man tent that I'd had for about ten years. To be honest, not that I like to admit it, but I'd gotten older myself and my body was not as flexible as it used to, so getting into and out of the older and smaller tent was getting more difficult for me. It was time for a tent that was big enough that I could stand up in.

Our first camping experience together was pretty traumatic for J. Between the mosquitoes and a cycling mishap, it didn't look likely that she would ever go camping again. But her trauma eventually subsided and a year later we went on our second camping trip together. On that second trip we combined tent camping with trailer camping. We had some rain and the tent got wet and I got sick so I just put the tent in the trunk of the car instead of packing it into its bag when it was time to return home. When we finally got home, I just was not up to the task of unpacking and putting everything back in its place so the tent poles and fly ended up in one place and the tarp ended up somewhere else - and was not to be seen for the next two years. The missing tarp finally turned up last week in a hidden corner of our shed which we had to empty because we were starting a backyard landscaping project (J's mom found the tarp - thank you!)

So when I finally finished eating I went outside and set up the tent and got the air mattress pumped up and the kids were so excited and jumping on the air mattress. Then we took them down to the waterfront for a walk. We went for a long long walk and it was dark by the time we got back home. We were all pretty tired by the time we got back home.

I want to sleep inside the house with mommy they were now saying. So much for all the excitement about sleeping in the tent. They were more excited about setting up the tent than actually sleeping in it.

I hated to miss the opportunity so I end up sleeping in the tent myself. It's a nice big tent and I enjoyed having it all to myself.