A Day in the Life Of - Part II, Wednesday

6:21am My alarm hasn't gone off yet but I can't sleep anymore. Lots of thoughts going through my head. Thoughts about how I feel so exposed, uncomfortable, having published my Day In the Life Of post on Monday - yet I feel driven to write another one. Thoughts about how that's probably been in my way ever since whenever, why I write so much but have yet to complete a book, like I've wanted to since my first visit to public library as a young boy. Thoughts about my conversation with Jan last night at the hospital.

My alarm should be going off... strike that, it goes off before I finish writing it down. Mile time.

8:58am On subway now, on my way to work. Jogged two laps around the park today. In doing so, I acknowledged a truth that I already knew - that when I got to the point that I could jog a complete lap then I was already at the point that I could jog two laps. That's not because I'm in better shape now, although it's true that I am in better shape now. But the real reason I can jog two laps is that I've found my pace, the pace I can sustain for one lap or two, maybe even three.

11:53am Today, my day proceeds at a faster pace than the last two days have been. Breakfast time conversation with J, I decided to open up and share some of the conversation I had with Jan at the hospital last night. It's tough, because I haven't processed it all yet. J starts giving me feedback about my communication not being clear. I become frustrated; maybe I should not say anything at all until I've processed it and edited and revised what I want to say so it all makes sense and my communication is crystal clear. I become frustrated but decide to press on anyway. If I wait until I do all that, then by the time I'm done I'll be in a different place and have a totally different experience to share, a totally different communication I want to make. I decide to press on anyway because I think that by doing so, I am initiating a more meaningful conversation.

Jan said that she thinks I have a lot of anger towards my father. She thinks that my problems with J are not about J but about my father. Jan thinks I've told her that I hate my father - that's a strong statement and I don't I said anything like that.

J has told me something similar in the past. She thinks that I hate my father and that I am becoming like him. Wait a minute, if that's even true then the syllogism would be that I hate myself.

Why do two people in two days tell me that they think I hate my father? What is her evidence that I think that? I ask J; she cannot identify anything specific, says it's a vibe that she picks up from me. I accept her answer.

I need to get going to work. Brush my teeth, get ready, all that stuff. Before I leave, I come back to J. I tell her, when I said that I needed for her to shut up I didn't intend to be mean, that I was trying to share something that was difficult for me and I needed to stop her so that I could do it. I kiss her and head off to work.

4:59pm Getting near to the end of the working day. What did I accomplish today for work? Fixed a bug with Investigation Notes. I've been feeling like it's a never ending sea of bugs. I have three bugs on my list, I fix them, meanwhile the testers have found three more bugs so I feel like I am running a lot but staying in the same place. A perpetual list of bugs.

We had a team status meeting this morning and I found a way to feel motivated. The changes I made are currently in Testing environment, scheduled to go into Production near the end of September - if the testers are confident with the system. So I making my goal to be, I am defining my job to be, to make sure the system works, is stable and earns the confidence to be placed into Production in September. Every time I fix a bug I move closer to that goal. Yeah, that's the way I want to look at it. Each bug is a telephone poll that I pass on my morning Mile; don't think about how far I'm running or how many polls there are, just get to the next poll.

8:44pm At the Sushi 2 Go restaurant with J. We went for a swim & hot tub, now out for dinner. Tomorrow is her insurance exam; she's been studying for it all week and this evening she is relaxing and taking care of herself. I'm happy to see her doing all this. I did a combination of laps in the pool as well as just floating around and enjoying the water. I feel relaxed now, a little sleepy. Oh yeah - this is my deposit back into my body, for Monday night.

9:05pm So we've placed our orders and got our miso soup already. We're waiting for the main dish we each ordered. Suddenly J remembers that the last she ate here she got sick.

She asks our server and learns that the restaurant was under different ownership for a while, most likely during the time she was last here (a year or two ago). She is relieved; one thing she doesn't have to worry about.

10:21pm Dinner is done, I just dropped her off at home and I've gone to the park for a walk. What was a lovely evening ended in a conversation that spiralled out of control and resulted in bad feelings for both of us.

10:44pm I've recited the tenets twice now here in the park. I feel a bit calmer now but I still do not feel ready to go back to the house. I don't trust... I don't feel enough trust to go back yet.

Looked up an email I remember Becca wrote last week. I remember there were some words she wrote about her brother that I found inspiring at the time I read them - "I decided I would fight for that love that I still have for him". Fight for that love - sounded like great words when I read them last week. Right now that concept sounds effin' scary.

But it's a better thought to go home with than "I don't feel enough trust". Fake it til you make it. Now grab your balls and say "I'm going home!"