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I had dinner today with J and her brother's children. I met them at the diner in IKEA.
When they saw me their faces lit up and they yelled, "Uncle Orest!"
That was the highlight of my day.
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Saturday, August 08, 2009
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
A new prayer
I have stopped praying for God to find me a wife. Instead I pray for God to make me be the kind of man that a woman would want for a husband.
I have stopped praying for God to give me a family. Instead I pray for God to make me be the kind of man that children would want for a father.
I have stopped praying for God to give me a family. Instead I pray for God to make me be the kind of man that children would want for a father.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Recognizing stuck
Sometimes when I'm stuck for an idea to blog about I look back at what I blogged a year ago and see how my life has changed during that year. It's November 2008 - I look back a year and see that I wrote no entries in November or December 2007. I go back a little further and see that the last I wrote in 2007 was in October. I re-read those posts, particularly the Thanksgiving series (A Thanksgiving Weekend: Prologue, Part I, Part II, Part III, Epilogue) - and what I see there is the posts I wrote about the kids. That is one thing I miss, being Uncle. Like John-boy, from that seventies show The Waltons, I enjoy writing about my family life.
I am reminded of a part of my life where I have got stuck - my Big Brother application. I got a letter from them a while ago. It's what we use to call in my industry, a PFO letter. (The P stands for Please). After reviewing your application carefully and with certain factors to consider, we regret that we cannot continue your enrollment further. Certain factors?!? Care to tell me what they are? I called the coordinator I was dealing with at the BBBST to ask about that when I got the letter; I got voice mail only, I left a message and I never heard back from them.
To tell the truth, I have become really frustrated with the BBBST. There have been frequent occasions when I'd called them and did not get my calls returned. The coordinator who took my original application left the organization and they misplaced my file. Numerous attempts to offer the volunteer time of not only myself but of members of my Men's Division were met with lack of response or interest. Then after I get my PFO letter their president sends me a letter claiming that they have 350 children on their waiting list.
Dear President, although I believe in your mission, I have lost faith in your organization. I think you need to improve the way your organization communicates with the people who want to help BBBST and want to help those children. I think that when I have taken the time and effort to put in my application and provide you with all the supporting documentation and references you have requested, that I deserve to know why you have refused my application. I would like to know what those "certain factors" are; I'd like to know if the decision to not continue my application is a decision that could be reversed if those factors no longer existed. Don't you think that those 350 children on your waiting list deserve that too?
I am reminded of a part of my life where I have got stuck - my Big Brother application. I got a letter from them a while ago. It's what we use to call in my industry, a PFO letter. (The P stands for Please). After reviewing your application carefully and with certain factors to consider, we regret that we cannot continue your enrollment further. Certain factors?!? Care to tell me what they are? I called the coordinator I was dealing with at the BBBST to ask about that when I got the letter; I got voice mail only, I left a message and I never heard back from them.
To tell the truth, I have become really frustrated with the BBBST. There have been frequent occasions when I'd called them and did not get my calls returned. The coordinator who took my original application left the organization and they misplaced my file. Numerous attempts to offer the volunteer time of not only myself but of members of my Men's Division were met with lack of response or interest. Then after I get my PFO letter their president sends me a letter claiming that they have 350 children on their waiting list.
Dear President, although I believe in your mission, I have lost faith in your organization. I think you need to improve the way your organization communicates with the people who want to help BBBST and want to help those children. I think that when I have taken the time and effort to put in my application and provide you with all the supporting documentation and references you have requested, that I deserve to know why you have refused my application. I would like to know what those "certain factors" are; I'd like to know if the decision to not continue my application is a decision that could be reversed if those factors no longer existed. Don't you think that those 350 children on your waiting list deserve that too?
Friday, November 07, 2008
Runaway Jury
Tonight was a stay at home night with Jan and Fede. Since we each have independent and busy schedules throughout the week it is nice when we occasionally all hang around together. Tonight we had pizza and watched a video, Runaway Jury, with Dustin Hoffman and Gene Hackman.
After the movie finished we watched some of the DVD extras, some of the making-of documentaries. I was interested to learn that even well established actors such as Dustin Hoffman and Gene Hackman messed up their lines and were intimated by each other.
Watching the making-of documentaries stirred up memories of my community theatres days. Jan has also had theatre experience and we both had an animated discussion, sharing our memories of those times.
Maybe one of my goals for 2009 will be getting back into theatre and getting involved in another production. It must be about ten years since I've been in a play.
After the movie finished we watched some of the DVD extras, some of the making-of documentaries. I was interested to learn that even well established actors such as Dustin Hoffman and Gene Hackman messed up their lines and were intimated by each other.
Watching the making-of documentaries stirred up memories of my community theatres days. Jan has also had theatre experience and we both had an animated discussion, sharing our memories of those times.
Maybe one of my goals for 2009 will be getting back into theatre and getting involved in another production. It must be about ten years since I've been in a play.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Shaking the tree
One of the commitments I made at my recent Twenty First Century Leadership retreat (see Rebuild, reimagine, renivent) was to become proactive, and learn what steps I can take to accelerate the process of finding a match to be my Little Brother. I have been waiting for a match for a long time now (see The Big Brother waiting game).
Since returning from Seattle, I've started shaking the tree - I've made several follow up calls and have made some progress. I've learned that the lady who took my application last year is no longer with BBBST. I've learned who has taken over my case file. I now have an appointment set up for an interview with the new case worker.
As far as my leadership commitments go, I am on track with this one. I think I may actually have a match by the end of the month, and I'm getting excited about this new adventure and about writing this new chapter of my life.
Since returning from Seattle, I've started shaking the tree - I've made several follow up calls and have made some progress. I've learned that the lady who took my application last year is no longer with BBBST. I've learned who has taken over my case file. I now have an appointment set up for an interview with the new case worker.
As far as my leadership commitments go, I am on track with this one. I think I may actually have a match by the end of the month, and I'm getting excited about this new adventure and about writing this new chapter of my life.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Gala squared
I just got back from an evening out at the Gala of Hope - a fund raiser sponsored by Children of Hope and HELPS International. There was dinner and a silent auction. I had fun during the auction. I bid on a sailing cruise; had some competition that kept me on my toes but won it in the end.
This is my month for Galas. Galae? Last week I attended the BBBST Big Night Out Gala. I wrote about that event in my post titled The Big Brother waiting game. After trying for several weeks to connect with the volunteer coordinator for that event, Wayne, I finally got an email from him the day before the event with the volunteer schedule.
At the event I started to understand why I'd been having difficulty getting in touch with the volunteer coordinator. The event was huge and there was a ton of stuff to coordinate. They were expecting some 700 people. They had an auction too. One of the prizes was a guitar autographed by the Rolling Stones. The starting bid was $3,500 and it went for $5,000. (I didn't bid on it - are you kidding?) My volunteer job was parking lot attendant, during the beginning of the evening. After that I got to go inside, have dinner, and be one of the silent auction monitors. I got to talk to Wayne about volunteer possibilities with the Men's Division, as well as the grant my employer is offering. At the end of the evening I felt wiped from being on my feet for so long in the parking lot, but I had a nice time.
I had a nice time at tonight's Gala as well. It wasn't as big in terms of numbers, but I had fun bidding on the boat. I also picked up a pair of folding Muskoka chairs - I figure they'll be my Father's Day present for my dad tomorrow.
This is my month for Galas. Galae? Last week I attended the BBBST Big Night Out Gala. I wrote about that event in my post titled The Big Brother waiting game. After trying for several weeks to connect with the volunteer coordinator for that event, Wayne, I finally got an email from him the day before the event with the volunteer schedule.
At the event I started to understand why I'd been having difficulty getting in touch with the volunteer coordinator. The event was huge and there was a ton of stuff to coordinate. They were expecting some 700 people. They had an auction too. One of the prizes was a guitar autographed by the Rolling Stones. The starting bid was $3,500 and it went for $5,000. (I didn't bid on it - are you kidding?) My volunteer job was parking lot attendant, during the beginning of the evening. After that I got to go inside, have dinner, and be one of the silent auction monitors. I got to talk to Wayne about volunteer possibilities with the Men's Division, as well as the grant my employer is offering. At the end of the evening I felt wiped from being on my feet for so long in the parking lot, but I had a nice time.
I had a nice time at tonight's Gala as well. It wasn't as big in terms of numbers, but I had fun bidding on the boat. I also picked up a pair of folding Muskoka chairs - I figure they'll be my Father's Day present for my dad tomorrow.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
The Big Brother waiting game
Over half a year has passed since I had the personal interview with the Big Brothers association (BBBST). I wrote about that in my post, Prologue to my Big Brother Adventure.
I went through a major disruption in my lifestyle in the winter months when I moved, so I was not in a place to provide a sense of stability to a Little. However, I'm settling in nicely following my move, so I want to pick up that part of my life again, of becoming a Big Brother. I've left a couple of follow-up messages with the volunteer coordinator I met last year but have had no response yet.
In addition to becoming a Big Brother, I see another opportunity for leadership. The company I work for wishes to encourage volunteerism and is offering a grant to employees who volunteer 40 hours within the next fiscal year. So I see this as a personal challenge and a leadership opportunity for me to qualify for that grant on behalf of BBBST.
Forty hours in a year averages to about 4 hours a month. I know the BBBST is having a Big Night Out event in June and they have asked the men's division I am in for volunteers to help with the event. So this looks like a great place for me to start working on that goal.
I've sent a couple of messages (email and voice mail) to the designated BBBST representative to get more information about volunteering for the Big Night Out event, but have not heard back from him either.
So while I play this waiting game, I have some choices. I could be frustrated about this lack of response. I could decide that I've done all I can here and put my energy into something else instead. I could think about a concept I learned last year at 21CL, called stretching my line of ownership.
What does stretching my line of ownership mean and what does it look like in this case? For now, it means I continue to hold the vision of a successful event put on by the BBBST with all the volunteer help they need - including me and other men in the men's division that want to help. It means I hold the vision of a mutually satisfying relationship developing between BBBST and the men's division. It means holding the vision of BBBST benefiting from the grant that my employer wants to give away. It means holding the vision of myself forming a mutually satisfying relationship with a Little, and moving forward in creating or attracting my own family.
When I hold this vision in mind, I am moved to make different choices and take different actions, be more persistent, proactive and powerful, than when I remain frustrated or discouraged.
I went through a major disruption in my lifestyle in the winter months when I moved, so I was not in a place to provide a sense of stability to a Little. However, I'm settling in nicely following my move, so I want to pick up that part of my life again, of becoming a Big Brother. I've left a couple of follow-up messages with the volunteer coordinator I met last year but have had no response yet.
In addition to becoming a Big Brother, I see another opportunity for leadership. The company I work for wishes to encourage volunteerism and is offering a grant to employees who volunteer 40 hours within the next fiscal year. So I see this as a personal challenge and a leadership opportunity for me to qualify for that grant on behalf of BBBST.
Forty hours in a year averages to about 4 hours a month. I know the BBBST is having a Big Night Out event in June and they have asked the men's division I am in for volunteers to help with the event. So this looks like a great place for me to start working on that goal.
I've sent a couple of messages (email and voice mail) to the designated BBBST representative to get more information about volunteering for the Big Night Out event, but have not heard back from him either.
So while I play this waiting game, I have some choices. I could be frustrated about this lack of response. I could decide that I've done all I can here and put my energy into something else instead. I could think about a concept I learned last year at 21CL, called stretching my line of ownership.
What does stretching my line of ownership mean and what does it look like in this case? For now, it means I continue to hold the vision of a successful event put on by the BBBST with all the volunteer help they need - including me and other men in the men's division that want to help. It means I hold the vision of a mutually satisfying relationship developing between BBBST and the men's division. It means holding the vision of BBBST benefiting from the grant that my employer wants to give away. It means holding the vision of myself forming a mutually satisfying relationship with a Little, and moving forward in creating or attracting my own family.
When I hold this vision in mind, I am moved to make different choices and take different actions, be more persistent, proactive and powerful, than when I remain frustrated or discouraged.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Full circle
I'm taking my dad to get his driver's licence test. He's turning 82 next month; as a senior citizen he has to take his driver's licence test every two years. I remember when my dad taught me to drive and helped me get my driver's licence when I was 16. Now I am helping him renew his driver's licence - life is coming to a full circle.
He looks spiffy - he dressed up for the occasion. Nice jacket, slacks, shoes - he looks better dressed than when he goes to church. He even looks like he's had a haircut.
I know that he's worried that if he doesn't pass this test today, they will take away his driver's licence. That would be a major lifestyle change for him and my mom.
There is no line up when we arrive and he does his vision test right away. He appears to be a little nervous but he's handling it well. Soon he completes his vision test and goes into a room for his written test. I'm not allowed to wait in the test room, understandably. I wait in another area for him. I read a John Grisham book for a while, snooze a little, call J from my cell phone and talk a little.
Eventually he comes out. He doesn't say anything, and holds his papers in his hands. I see the word Pass written on the bottom. So - he made it.
When we get home my mom is there. She asks how it went. My dad doesn't say much and I tell her the story. "So he passed?" she concludes.
"He didn't say anything but I saw the word Pass on his form. He has to go back in December to attend a class."
"He must have passed," she says with a grin as he returns to the kitchen, "because he got out the shot glasses."
He pours shots and lifts his glass. "What are we toasting?" asks my mom, with a little tongue in cheek. She knows he won't say anything directly but this is her way of playing with him.
He toasts to our health and thanks me for taking him downtown to write his test.
That means he passed.
He looks spiffy - he dressed up for the occasion. Nice jacket, slacks, shoes - he looks better dressed than when he goes to church. He even looks like he's had a haircut.
I know that he's worried that if he doesn't pass this test today, they will take away his driver's licence. That would be a major lifestyle change for him and my mom.
There is no line up when we arrive and he does his vision test right away. He appears to be a little nervous but he's handling it well. Soon he completes his vision test and goes into a room for his written test. I'm not allowed to wait in the test room, understandably. I wait in another area for him. I read a John Grisham book for a while, snooze a little, call J from my cell phone and talk a little.
Eventually he comes out. He doesn't say anything, and holds his papers in his hands. I see the word Pass written on the bottom. So - he made it.
When we get home my mom is there. She asks how it went. My dad doesn't say much and I tell her the story. "So he passed?" she concludes.
"He didn't say anything but I saw the word Pass on his form. He has to go back in December to attend a class."
"He must have passed," she says with a grin as he returns to the kitchen, "because he got out the shot glasses."
He pours shots and lifts his glass. "What are we toasting?" asks my mom, with a little tongue in cheek. She knows he won't say anything directly but this is her way of playing with him.
He toasts to our health and thanks me for taking him downtown to write his test.
That means he passed.
Monday, October 08, 2007
A Thanksgiving Weekend - Part III, Monday
So it's Thanksgiving Day today and it's my birthday.
I was thinking that I would go today to one of my rental properties that needs some attention. But J says going to a movie. I dismiss the idea at first - I have some business to take care of at the property that I've put off too long already and if I don't take care of it today then when will I? But I am swayed. It's not all the time that the kids are here. And it's my birthday - do I want to spend my birthday doing work at the property or spend it with family watching a movie? The property will wait, yet again.
J books the theatre room for three o'clock to six. I drop by at my parent's house for a while - my sister is there and I promised I would bring over some money I owe her. I visit with my parents for a while then come home. I call Jan to invite her and Fede to join us for the movie.
At the theatre room, we watched one of the two DVDs that J gave me for my birthday. Babylon 5: The Legend of the Rangers. The other DVD she gave me was Babylon 5: The Lost Tales. What a surprise! How could she possible have known I would like a Babylon 5 DVD as a present? I'm being sarcastic, of course. I dropped her some pretty obvious hints last year that I would have liked one for Christmas, though I didn't get one. A few weeks ago she started asking me questions about the Babylon 5 series, and I figured she was planning to get me one for my birthday.
We watched Legend of the Rangers at the theatre room then another movie called Apocalypse. Then had pizza at home with Jan and Fede. J's sister and brother-in-law came to pick up their children; they joined us for pizza.
After everyone finally left, we realized we had a full house all weekend. J's brother had been here with his family; her sister with her family. My sister, my friends Jan and Fede. I joked about having a revolving door weekend - when someone left, some one else arrived.
I didn't get all the business done that I still need to get done, but I have no complaints about that. All in all it was a wonderful way to spend a Thanksgiving weekend and a wonderful way to spend my birthday. Goodbye forty two, hello forty three. I am looking forward to the next forty three years of my life.
I was thinking that I would go today to one of my rental properties that needs some attention. But J says going to a movie. I dismiss the idea at first - I have some business to take care of at the property that I've put off too long already and if I don't take care of it today then when will I? But I am swayed. It's not all the time that the kids are here. And it's my birthday - do I want to spend my birthday doing work at the property or spend it with family watching a movie? The property will wait, yet again.
J books the theatre room for three o'clock to six. I drop by at my parent's house for a while - my sister is there and I promised I would bring over some money I owe her. I visit with my parents for a while then come home. I call Jan to invite her and Fede to join us for the movie.
At the theatre room, we watched one of the two DVDs that J gave me for my birthday. Babylon 5: The Legend of the Rangers. The other DVD she gave me was Babylon 5: The Lost Tales. What a surprise! How could she possible have known I would like a Babylon 5 DVD as a present? I'm being sarcastic, of course. I dropped her some pretty obvious hints last year that I would have liked one for Christmas, though I didn't get one. A few weeks ago she started asking me questions about the Babylon 5 series, and I figured she was planning to get me one for my birthday.
We watched Legend of the Rangers at the theatre room then another movie called Apocalypse. Then had pizza at home with Jan and Fede. J's sister and brother-in-law came to pick up their children; they joined us for pizza.
After everyone finally left, we realized we had a full house all weekend. J's brother had been here with his family; her sister with her family. My sister, my friends Jan and Fede. I joked about having a revolving door weekend - when someone left, some one else arrived.
I didn't get all the business done that I still need to get done, but I have no complaints about that. All in all it was a wonderful way to spend a Thanksgiving weekend and a wonderful way to spend my birthday. Goodbye forty two, hello forty three. I am looking forward to the next forty three years of my life.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
A Thanksgiving Weekend - Part II, Sunday
A thought to start the day - how does a two year old make a difference in the world? She discovers that when she pushes a button then her world becomes brighter, and when she pushes it again her world becomes darker. And so she learns that everytime she pushes that button she changes the world around her, and so she does so repeatedly. Eventually an adult will tell her to stop playing with the light switch.
Lunch at my parent's house. I learned something I never knew when my sister asked my mom how they chose my name. My mom wanted to name me Myron, after her brother. I met my uncle Myron once, when I travelled to Poland. He's very creative - he was building a model of the Mayflower when I visited him.
My dad wanted the name Orest because he saw the name Oris on a wristwatch that he gave my mom, and he liked the name. My mom still has that wristwatch. She showed it to me and sure enough, there in tiny letters I saw the name Oris. So I was named after a wristwatch! J says that it's no wonder that I am so structured with my schedules.
Wait a minute, I do the math here and realize - that wristwatch that my dad gave my mom would be over fourty years old!
J reminds me that we had promised the kids to take them swimming. She says she doesn't like to promise them we'll do something and then not do it. I agree. We're on a tight schedule but take them to the pool anyways. I say that I won't go into the pool today, but J says that an adult should be in the pool to watch over the kids. Okay, I go into the pool. The kids splash around and have fun, and I splash around and have fun with them.
Lunch at my parent's house. I learned something I never knew when my sister asked my mom how they chose my name. My mom wanted to name me Myron, after her brother. I met my uncle Myron once, when I travelled to Poland. He's very creative - he was building a model of the Mayflower when I visited him.
My dad wanted the name Orest because he saw the name Oris on a wristwatch that he gave my mom, and he liked the name. My mom still has that wristwatch. She showed it to me and sure enough, there in tiny letters I saw the name Oris. So I was named after a wristwatch! J says that it's no wonder that I am so structured with my schedules.
Wait a minute, I do the math here and realize - that wristwatch that my dad gave my mom would be over fourty years old!
J reminds me that we had promised the kids to take them swimming. She says she doesn't like to promise them we'll do something and then not do it. I agree. We're on a tight schedule but take them to the pool anyways. I say that I won't go into the pool today, but J says that an adult should be in the pool to watch over the kids. Okay, I go into the pool. The kids splash around and have fun, and I splash around and have fun with them.
Saturday, October 06, 2007
A Thanksgiving Weekend - Part I, Saturday
8:06am It's a day to sleep in today, for which I am grateful, as these days are rare. My throat feels a little sore and I wonder if I'm coming down with something.
9:10am Back from my Mile. Did a lasagna Mile today - one lap jog, one lap walk, one lap jog, one lap walk. Could tell on my first lap I wasn't in good form today. I got a late start. At eight, it was already full bright and muggy and people were up and about. Now when did I become the kind of person who thinks that dong my Mile at eight on a Saturday was a late start?
6:44pm J and I had some errands to run at Best Buy so we brought our baby niece with us. J had her things to get and I had mine so she went off to look for her stuff and I brought my niece with me to look for my stuff. So I'm walking along one of the aisles with her and there's a couple with a young boy walking towards us. The boy looked about the same age as my niece and was about the same size. As they walked past us, I watched to see how the two kids would react to each other. I saw the boy stop when he walked past my niece, he turned and looked at her. He was checking her out! I looked at his parents and they laughed and I laughed. "He must like her dress," I said. She did look pretty in her red dress (it's the one J and I gave her last Christmas). Only two and she's already turning heads. That's my niece.
9:10am Back from my Mile. Did a lasagna Mile today - one lap jog, one lap walk, one lap jog, one lap walk. Could tell on my first lap I wasn't in good form today. I got a late start. At eight, it was already full bright and muggy and people were up and about. Now when did I become the kind of person who thinks that dong my Mile at eight on a Saturday was a late start?
6:44pm J and I had some errands to run at Best Buy so we brought our baby niece with us. J had her things to get and I had mine so she went off to look for her stuff and I brought my niece with me to look for my stuff. So I'm walking along one of the aisles with her and there's a couple with a young boy walking towards us. The boy looked about the same age as my niece and was about the same size. As they walked past us, I watched to see how the two kids would react to each other. I saw the boy stop when he walked past my niece, he turned and looked at her. He was checking her out! I looked at his parents and they laughed and I laughed. "He must like her dress," I said. She did look pretty in her red dress (it's the one J and I gave her last Christmas). Only two and she's already turning heads. That's my niece.
Friday, October 05, 2007
A Thanksgiving Weekend - Prologue
This is the beginning of the Thanksgiving Weekend. J's brother has arrived, dropped off the kids and gone out with friends who are taking him to celebrate his birthday. I was being a bit antisocial, hiding out in the basement, feeding a mild computer addiction (damn it, why won't Cinelera import my video properly ?!?), but I finally shook that off and came upstairs. My baby niece speaks - she can say "Uncle!". That is sweet.
Later I hear her say "Daddy" and "Chandler". Well, I'm glad that "Uncle" is part of her vocabulary now.
J entertains the children with her new laptop.
I doze off in the armnchair, to wake up when I hear my baby niece calling, "Uncle, wake up!" This is my niece - I held her when she was five days old. I held her when she was a few months old and was crying, I held her and sang to her until she stopped crying. Now she's two and she recognizes me as her uncle, and she can tell when someone is sleeping and she knows how to say "Uncle, wake up!". The marvels of life.
Later I hear her say "Daddy" and "Chandler". Well, I'm glad that "Uncle" is part of her vocabulary now.
J entertains the children with her new laptop.
I doze off in the armnchair, to wake up when I hear my baby niece calling, "Uncle, wake up!" This is my niece - I held her when she was five days old. I held her when she was a few months old and was crying, I held her and sang to her until she stopped crying. Now she's two and she recognizes me as her uncle, and she can tell when someone is sleeping and she knows how to say "Uncle, wake up!". The marvels of life.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Prologue to my Big Brother Adventure
7:06am I decided to forfeit my Mile this morning so that I could focus on getting myself to the personal interview I have today with an enrollment coordinator from the Big Brothers association. My interview is at eight, and I plan to go straight to work after.
I'm on the subway already, and I'm feeling excited and a little anxious. My goodness - this is sobering; I'm going out in order to bring someone new into my family. If this is how I'm feeling just for going to a screening interview, how much more is that magnified for someone who is actually going to pick up an adopted child to bring them home for the first time, or for someone who just had a new child born?
For many months now I have been very disconnected from my feelings about becoming a Big Brother. It's been a waiting game and I have been playing it patiently and keeping my energy and focus on other areas of my life during that time. Becoming a Big Brother was something that felt unreal, it was an exercise in beaurocracy - but it's starting to sink in now. It's starting to get real.
This is something that will change my whole life. Again.
9:42am I arrived at Yonge and Eglinton about twenty minutes before my scheduled appointment. That's enough time to pop into Starbucks for a muffin and a bottle of drinkable yogourt. Breakfast of the champions? Champion yuppie perhaps.
My interview takes an hour and a half and is quite pleasant. At the end, I learn that the next step is that they will run the police check on me; it should take a few days. The coordinator asks me for a phone number of a particular contact that she wants to call for another reference check. I don't have the number with me; it's in the Contacts list of my own PDA and that's out being serviced. I will have to look it up on my PC when I get home.
I'm on the subway already, and I'm feeling excited and a little anxious. My goodness - this is sobering; I'm going out in order to bring someone new into my family. If this is how I'm feeling just for going to a screening interview, how much more is that magnified for someone who is actually going to pick up an adopted child to bring them home for the first time, or for someone who just had a new child born?
For many months now I have been very disconnected from my feelings about becoming a Big Brother. It's been a waiting game and I have been playing it patiently and keeping my energy and focus on other areas of my life during that time. Becoming a Big Brother was something that felt unreal, it was an exercise in beaurocracy - but it's starting to sink in now. It's starting to get real.
This is something that will change my whole life. Again.
9:42am I arrived at Yonge and Eglinton about twenty minutes before my scheduled appointment. That's enough time to pop into Starbucks for a muffin and a bottle of drinkable yogourt. Breakfast of the champions? Champion yuppie perhaps.
My interview takes an hour and a half and is quite pleasant. At the end, I learn that the next step is that they will run the police check on me; it should take a few days. The coordinator asks me for a phone number of a particular contact that she wants to call for another reference check. I don't have the number with me; it's in the Contacts list of my own PDA and that's out being serviced. I will have to look it up on my PC when I get home.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
A Weekend in the Life Of, Part II - Sunday
8:10am Decided to do an easy Mile this morning. I set an alarm last night, a Sat-Sun alarm on my cell phone, and it worked this morning. I probably would have slept another hour if it had not gone off.
Noticed I had a new voicemail alert on my phone. Checked my voicemail, found a message from Pastor Hardy timestamped 9:30 last night, asking if I could do the song sheets for today's service. It's kind of last minute-ish, but I can do it.
I came to the rescue last week. Cindy and Steve both realized on Sunday morning that no one had thought to print up the song sheets. What with all the excitement and preparation that went into the Saturday event, Vern & Angie's wedding anniversary, this just fell through the cracks. Steve usually does the song sheets, but he was busy sorting out a problem with the sound board he'd rented for the event, so I stepped up to do them. Steve gave me the instructions; they were easy to follow and I whipped up the song sheets in about 15 minutes. Hardy was impressed that I did them so quickly. I don't think it is right that only a handful of people know how to do this stuff and I don't think it's right that Steve had to do everything. So I offered to be an additional resource for doing the song sheets, now that I know how.
Wasn't sure if Hardy had already found someone to do the song sheets for today and I wasn't sure how early I could call their house in the morning, so I did my Mile first. Did an easy Mile. What with doing two laps jogging yesterday plus the laps I did swimming, I decided to go easy, give my body some regeneration time. I walked one lap, jogged one lap, walked a third lap. When I got home it was eight - I figured that was a reasonable time at which to call Hardy. He was relieved to hear from me.
I downloaded the song lyrics from the CCLI web site and pasted them into a Word file. Took about half an hour to do, sent the file to Hardy so he could print copies, and got on with getting myself showered and dressed.
What a feeling of team, what a feeling of community, what a feeling of family. I arrive at Hardy and Cindy's house for home church - there is a pile of song sheets all printed out. I pick one up for myself, taking pride in my work.
A few weeks ago I was in this house for a home church service. I was exhausted that day. Burned out, and nodding off. Not today. This morning I am energized. Like I just did my Mile.
1:53pm Just got home from home church. We had a congregational meeting to talk about some proposals for where we are going to meet going forward. The church offerings have not kept up with the expenses and we cannot continue to operate in this mode. The proposals are for not renting the big room, the cafetorium, at the school where we hold our services throughout the year, but to rent the smaller classrooms either once a month, twice a month, or three times a month.
I jotted down some phrases I heard from various members of the congregation. These are phrases that I heard that spoke to me about what is our congregational vision for what a church is:
- studying the word,
- praying together,
- breaking bread together (like we did at Vern and Angie's wedding anniversary; more than just a bread crumb at communion)
- worship,
- intimate time together learning about each other's lives
Some concerns I heard come up:
- wheel chair accessibility,
- consistency - when we invite someone to come as a guest, where do we tell them we meet? "Well, that depends on which weekend you come".
I talked with J about what her ideal church experience is. What does she need that would get her to come more often? (I'm thinking like a leader here, thinking "how can I create a church experience that Josephine will want to be a part of"). Some of the things she wants - a place where she can go for solitude, a place where she can go to talk to God.
She asks me what keeps me going back to JCC. Being on the worship team. A sense of community, a sense of family. Being in service. Feeling like I am a valued and contributing member.
9:40pm We got the laptop. J came with me to Best Buy to pick it up. The plan was we go to Best Buy, get the laptop, then go get our groceries and come home. After we got the laptop J says, I'm not comfortable leaving it in the car while we do our groceries; let's take it home first. Sounds like she can't wait to get her hands on it. When we get home I ask, We're just dropping off the laptop and going back out for groceries, right? Quick in and out? Yeah, she says. Then takes it out of the box, powers it up, starts checking out all the features. Yeah, this is not going to be a quick in and out operation. Usually she's the one dragging me out to go for groceries and I'm the one who wants to play with the new toy. Got a little role reversal thing happening today!
Eventually we get our groceries and come home for dinner. I put groceries away in the basement and do some work on my computer (the one we don't need to fight over any more). When I come up, dinner is ready - and the laptop is in the kitchen, J and her mom are using it to watch a DVD. A Filipino rock band video.
It's like having a television in the kitchen, J says. Thank you! she says, unprompted, a big smile on her face.
Accentuate the positive - that smile, the smile that lights up her whole face, her eyes crinkle a bit around the corners, that's her When you smile the whole world smiles with you smile. That's one of the best things I've seen in this relationship in the last two or three weeks.
We watch a few Filipino music videos, J, her mom, and I. When was the last time the three of us did something together like this? Spend quality time. I feel some anxiety, thinking I've got some homework to do and I'm not doing it. But I remind myself that this is family time that we're sharing; that this time counts as being productive and on purpose.
Noticed I had a new voicemail alert on my phone. Checked my voicemail, found a message from Pastor Hardy timestamped 9:30 last night, asking if I could do the song sheets for today's service. It's kind of last minute-ish, but I can do it.
I came to the rescue last week. Cindy and Steve both realized on Sunday morning that no one had thought to print up the song sheets. What with all the excitement and preparation that went into the Saturday event, Vern & Angie's wedding anniversary, this just fell through the cracks. Steve usually does the song sheets, but he was busy sorting out a problem with the sound board he'd rented for the event, so I stepped up to do them. Steve gave me the instructions; they were easy to follow and I whipped up the song sheets in about 15 minutes. Hardy was impressed that I did them so quickly. I don't think it is right that only a handful of people know how to do this stuff and I don't think it's right that Steve had to do everything. So I offered to be an additional resource for doing the song sheets, now that I know how.
Wasn't sure if Hardy had already found someone to do the song sheets for today and I wasn't sure how early I could call their house in the morning, so I did my Mile first. Did an easy Mile. What with doing two laps jogging yesterday plus the laps I did swimming, I decided to go easy, give my body some regeneration time. I walked one lap, jogged one lap, walked a third lap. When I got home it was eight - I figured that was a reasonable time at which to call Hardy. He was relieved to hear from me.
I downloaded the song lyrics from the CCLI web site and pasted them into a Word file. Took about half an hour to do, sent the file to Hardy so he could print copies, and got on with getting myself showered and dressed.
What a feeling of team, what a feeling of community, what a feeling of family. I arrive at Hardy and Cindy's house for home church - there is a pile of song sheets all printed out. I pick one up for myself, taking pride in my work.
A few weeks ago I was in this house for a home church service. I was exhausted that day. Burned out, and nodding off. Not today. This morning I am energized. Like I just did my Mile.
1:53pm Just got home from home church. We had a congregational meeting to talk about some proposals for where we are going to meet going forward. The church offerings have not kept up with the expenses and we cannot continue to operate in this mode. The proposals are for not renting the big room, the cafetorium, at the school where we hold our services throughout the year, but to rent the smaller classrooms either once a month, twice a month, or three times a month.
I jotted down some phrases I heard from various members of the congregation. These are phrases that I heard that spoke to me about what is our congregational vision for what a church is:
- studying the word,
- praying together,
- breaking bread together (like we did at Vern and Angie's wedding anniversary; more than just a bread crumb at communion)
- worship,
- intimate time together learning about each other's lives
Some concerns I heard come up:
- wheel chair accessibility,
- consistency - when we invite someone to come as a guest, where do we tell them we meet? "Well, that depends on which weekend you come".
I talked with J about what her ideal church experience is. What does she need that would get her to come more often? (I'm thinking like a leader here, thinking "how can I create a church experience that Josephine will want to be a part of"). Some of the things she wants - a place where she can go for solitude, a place where she can go to talk to God.
She asks me what keeps me going back to JCC. Being on the worship team. A sense of community, a sense of family. Being in service. Feeling like I am a valued and contributing member.
9:40pm We got the laptop. J came with me to Best Buy to pick it up. The plan was we go to Best Buy, get the laptop, then go get our groceries and come home. After we got the laptop J says, I'm not comfortable leaving it in the car while we do our groceries; let's take it home first. Sounds like she can't wait to get her hands on it. When we get home I ask, We're just dropping off the laptop and going back out for groceries, right? Quick in and out? Yeah, she says. Then takes it out of the box, powers it up, starts checking out all the features. Yeah, this is not going to be a quick in and out operation. Usually she's the one dragging me out to go for groceries and I'm the one who wants to play with the new toy. Got a little role reversal thing happening today!
Eventually we get our groceries and come home for dinner. I put groceries away in the basement and do some work on my computer (the one we don't need to fight over any more). When I come up, dinner is ready - and the laptop is in the kitchen, J and her mom are using it to watch a DVD. A Filipino rock band video.
It's like having a television in the kitchen, J says. Thank you! she says, unprompted, a big smile on her face.
Accentuate the positive - that smile, the smile that lights up her whole face, her eyes crinkle a bit around the corners, that's her When you smile the whole world smiles with you smile. That's one of the best things I've seen in this relationship in the last two or three weeks.
We watch a few Filipino music videos, J, her mom, and I. When was the last time the three of us did something together like this? Spend quality time. I feel some anxiety, thinking I've got some homework to do and I'm not doing it. But I remind myself that this is family time that we're sharing; that this time counts as being productive and on purpose.
Saturday, September 08, 2007
A Weekend in the Life Of, Part I - Saturday
6:48am My alarm did not go off this morning. My PDA is gravely ill so I've been using my cell phone as my morning alarm. It did not go off today - I look at it to find out why, then realize that I set the alarm for Mon-Fri only. I miss my PDA.
Besides the alarm function, I miss having my PDA with me for writing. So I've decided to write a "Weekend In The Life Of" series this weekend. I am using a small blue notebook that Jan gave me in 2003. In it she inscribed To capture your thoughts in... a lot classier than serviettes. She gave this to me in 2003 but I haven't written in it much, I've used mostly PDA's for writing. The first couple of things I wrote in this notebook...
I recall what was going on in my life when I wrote those two notes. I was living in my own house at the time. Jan was dating John then, John was renting a room in my house. I was working with a coach named Colleen to define my Vision for my life, and my Life Purpose statement. Jan was finalizing her divorce. It was a late night and the three of us, Jan, John, myself, were sitting in the kitchen at my house. Jan was very emotional, filling out the paperwork for her divorce. John and I were there to support Jan.
I'm writing this in a notebook, writing by hand. I can write a lot faster by hand today than I can type on my PDA. But it means I'll have to type all this into my computer if I'm going to post this.
Well, it's a Saturday morning, which is often the only day of the week where I get to sleep in. Sleeping in today means I'm still getting up around 7, it just means I wasn't awakened by my alarm at 6, didn't go through the snooze cycle.
My relationship with J feels off track again. Feels like no one is leading it. Feels like there is just no energy in it at best, and an energy drain at worst. Time to ask What is leading in this relationship going to look like? What is it going to look like this week? Think accentuate the positive - what was the best thing about this relationship in the last two or three weeks?
7:13am It's Mile time!
8:45am Mile is done, shower is done, paid a bill online. I did my standard Mile, what my current standard is, which is two laps jogging and third lap walking. My cool-down walk. Plan to go to Best Buy and/or Tiger Direct. I'm going looking for a laptop for J, and to find out if I can get my LifeDrive (PDA) fixed. J wants to come too, she wants to return something to Best Buy.
2:02pm Back from Best Buy. J didn't end up going with me; I was ready to go at ten and she didn't think she'd be ready to go so she said to go ahead without her. I dropped of my LifeDrive for servicing. It's not under warranty; there's a diagnostic charge of $40, which is cheap compared to the cost of buying a new PDA. The turnaround time is a month, which is a long time to be without a PDA. I'll just have to be open to all the learning opportunities this presents.
I've also ordered a laptop for J - this was one of my 21CL commitments. Tenet #3 - As a leader I keep my word and honour my commitments.
Best Buy is installing some software on it and making a Recovery disk for it, and it should be ready for pickup tomorrow by six.
7:25pm I had a big nap in the afternoon. I had thought to take J for dinner to Penelope, downtown, but she decided she wasn't feeling up to that. She's feeling some back pain. She decided she wanted to go use the hot tub at her condo, so I went with her.
I balanced my time in the pool between doing laps and talking to J. I did a set of four laps then took a break. (A lap, my definition, is there and back, because the pool is only half length). Did another set of four laps, another short break, then set of two laps. All in total I did ten laps. Between doing the Mile and doing laps in the pool, I'm two thirds of the way to becoming a tri-athlete!
Sat in the hot tub with J for a while. Just having a relaxing ole time.
There is a lounge here, overlooking the pool, with a bookcase. A small library. Nice ambiance. Great place to come to, do a workout, some swimming, spend time in the hot tub, the sauna, then sit in the lounge and write!
10:29pm Driving home from the condo, one of the roads was closed. There was a street festival on. J parked the car and we went for a walk, checking out the festival. Got gyros at one of the booths. J said it was the best gyros she ever had. Her back was feeling better after the swimming & hot tubbing.
We walked past the Second Cup and J asks me if I want to go in and get something. No. I got something there about four years ago and I still have it. This Second Cup, it's the one we went to on our first date. We go in, J has an apple cider and I have a Berry Boost Smoothie. We watch people come in and out of the store. Finish our drinks, walk back to the car and drive home. I had paid for only one hour of parking and we were now one hour past the expiry time. No parking ticket - the parking angels were looking out for us.
So back to my question from this morning, thinking positive, what was the best thing about this relationship in the last three weeks? Dancing at the Vern and Angie's wedding anniversary celebration last week, and being noticed for it (recognition!). Dancing is one arena where we have gotten along well. I remember the first time I took J to a dancing event. I didn't have any of that first time we're dancing together, gotta get used to a new partner kind of awkwardness. I just led her to the dance floor, we danced and we looked and felt natural doing it. I like to polka, she likes salsa and latin dances. We did some of both and we both had fun that night.
My most memorable dance event with J was when she invited me to her company Christmas party a couple of years back. I had requested a polka from the deejay. We had the last dance of the evening; the song was Who Stole the Kishka. I remember that she wore her red dress that night (there's that red dress theme again! The lady in red is dancing with me.) We had almost the entire dance floor to ourselves - only one other couple dared to share the floor with us. By the time the music finished, we were the only couple on the floor. I didn't even notice when the other couple had left the floor - must have been after I started spinning J around in double time.
Ha ha, I just googled Who Stole the Kishka and found a few hits on You Tube. Watched a few of the videos. Some are funny, some are weird, but I did enjoy hearing the music - even if the tempo was slower than what I'm used to. Note to self - start making some content to put up on You Tube.
That's all for today.
Besides the alarm function, I miss having my PDA with me for writing. So I've decided to write a "Weekend In The Life Of" series this weekend. I am using a small blue notebook that Jan gave me in 2003. In it she inscribed To capture your thoughts in... a lot classier than serviettes. She gave this to me in 2003 but I haven't written in it much, I've used mostly PDA's for writing. The first couple of things I wrote in this notebook...
Feb 18, 2003 Boldness means giving expression to the whispers of my dreams rather than the shouts of my fears.
Feb 19, 2003 God never says goodbye.
I recall what was going on in my life when I wrote those two notes. I was living in my own house at the time. Jan was dating John then, John was renting a room in my house. I was working with a coach named Colleen to define my Vision for my life, and my Life Purpose statement. Jan was finalizing her divorce. It was a late night and the three of us, Jan, John, myself, were sitting in the kitchen at my house. Jan was very emotional, filling out the paperwork for her divorce. John and I were there to support Jan.
I'm writing this in a notebook, writing by hand. I can write a lot faster by hand today than I can type on my PDA. But it means I'll have to type all this into my computer if I'm going to post this.
Well, it's a Saturday morning, which is often the only day of the week where I get to sleep in. Sleeping in today means I'm still getting up around 7, it just means I wasn't awakened by my alarm at 6, didn't go through the snooze cycle.
My relationship with J feels off track again. Feels like no one is leading it. Feels like there is just no energy in it at best, and an energy drain at worst. Time to ask What is leading in this relationship going to look like? What is it going to look like this week? Think accentuate the positive - what was the best thing about this relationship in the last two or three weeks?
7:13am It's Mile time!
8:45am Mile is done, shower is done, paid a bill online. I did my standard Mile, what my current standard is, which is two laps jogging and third lap walking. My cool-down walk. Plan to go to Best Buy and/or Tiger Direct. I'm going looking for a laptop for J, and to find out if I can get my LifeDrive (PDA) fixed. J wants to come too, she wants to return something to Best Buy.
2:02pm Back from Best Buy. J didn't end up going with me; I was ready to go at ten and she didn't think she'd be ready to go so she said to go ahead without her. I dropped of my LifeDrive for servicing. It's not under warranty; there's a diagnostic charge of $40, which is cheap compared to the cost of buying a new PDA. The turnaround time is a month, which is a long time to be without a PDA. I'll just have to be open to all the learning opportunities this presents.
I've also ordered a laptop for J - this was one of my 21CL commitments. Tenet #3 - As a leader I keep my word and honour my commitments.
Best Buy is installing some software on it and making a Recovery disk for it, and it should be ready for pickup tomorrow by six.
7:25pm I had a big nap in the afternoon. I had thought to take J for dinner to Penelope, downtown, but she decided she wasn't feeling up to that. She's feeling some back pain. She decided she wanted to go use the hot tub at her condo, so I went with her.
I balanced my time in the pool between doing laps and talking to J. I did a set of four laps then took a break. (A lap, my definition, is there and back, because the pool is only half length). Did another set of four laps, another short break, then set of two laps. All in total I did ten laps. Between doing the Mile and doing laps in the pool, I'm two thirds of the way to becoming a tri-athlete!
Sat in the hot tub with J for a while. Just having a relaxing ole time.
There is a lounge here, overlooking the pool, with a bookcase. A small library. Nice ambiance. Great place to come to, do a workout, some swimming, spend time in the hot tub, the sauna, then sit in the lounge and write!
10:29pm Driving home from the condo, one of the roads was closed. There was a street festival on. J parked the car and we went for a walk, checking out the festival. Got gyros at one of the booths. J said it was the best gyros she ever had. Her back was feeling better after the swimming & hot tubbing.
We walked past the Second Cup and J asks me if I want to go in and get something. No. I got something there about four years ago and I still have it. This Second Cup, it's the one we went to on our first date. We go in, J has an apple cider and I have a Berry Boost Smoothie. We watch people come in and out of the store. Finish our drinks, walk back to the car and drive home. I had paid for only one hour of parking and we were now one hour past the expiry time. No parking ticket - the parking angels were looking out for us.
So back to my question from this morning, thinking positive, what was the best thing about this relationship in the last three weeks? Dancing at the Vern and Angie's wedding anniversary celebration last week, and being noticed for it (recognition!). Dancing is one arena where we have gotten along well. I remember the first time I took J to a dancing event. I didn't have any of that first time we're dancing together, gotta get used to a new partner kind of awkwardness. I just led her to the dance floor, we danced and we looked and felt natural doing it. I like to polka, she likes salsa and latin dances. We did some of both and we both had fun that night.
My most memorable dance event with J was when she invited me to her company Christmas party a couple of years back. I had requested a polka from the deejay. We had the last dance of the evening; the song was Who Stole the Kishka. I remember that she wore her red dress that night (there's that red dress theme again! The lady in red is dancing with me.) We had almost the entire dance floor to ourselves - only one other couple dared to share the floor with us. By the time the music finished, we were the only couple on the floor. I didn't even notice when the other couple had left the floor - must have been after I started spinning J around in double time.
Ha ha, I just googled Who Stole the Kishka and found a few hits on You Tube. Watched a few of the videos. Some are funny, some are weird, but I did enjoy hearing the music - even if the tempo was slower than what I'm used to. Note to self - start making some content to put up on You Tube.
That's all for today.
Monday, September 03, 2007
Changing the Dance
There is a saying, that the way I do anything is the way I do everything. With that in mind, I compare the way I've been doing my Mile with the way I do this relationship dance with J.
Since I've been doing my Mile the last three or four weeks, I am in better shape, more fit. I've continually redefined my standard as my level of fitness has increased - from walking one lap, to walking two laps, to jogging sections of a lap to jogging an entire lap, to jogging two entire laps, to attempting to jog three laps.
Some days I go out and push my envelope, stretch myself into a new standard. Some days I go out and remember to be compassionate with myself, give my body some time to regenerate, and slow down to a lower standard. Sometimes it feels like taking two steps forward, followed y four steps backward, followed by a baby step, a baby step, a baby step, a baby step, just to get back to where I started from. Then I get to leap forward two or three steps again, and define a new standard again.
So this relationship dance - I think I am doing a better job of using the By me, on me, for me principle. I am being very conscientious about applying that one, and in not engaging in using the tenets and ground rules of 21CL as sparring weapons. I am putting a lot of effort into remaining aware of when I might be doing that and in sucking back when I am tempted to engage that way. I don't always succeed, and sometimes I have to throw my hands up and walk away from a situation, reground myself.
I haven't been tracking how many tenets or ground rules I am violating but I have been getting more conscientious of which ones I am applying; of connecting the various actions and strategies I use to move myself in the direction of keeping my Leadership commitments, connecting those actions and strategies with the tenets and ground rules.
One area in which I am still challenged is the dance of anger that keeps showing up in my relationship. Phil and Lori teach that it takes one person to change a relationship. I am willing to buy that when it comes to relationships in general but am finding it hard to apply it to the dance of anger. I am in a place where I feel like I have been working really hard at managing my own anger reaction myself and that I need my partner's cooperation to really get out of that dance. Perhaps the thought my partner isn't cooperating doesn't serve me and I could stretch my line of ownership and replace that thought. Then again, I also need to tell myself the truth and ask what am I pretending not to know. What am I pretending not to know, and how else can I interpret when I repeatedly ask my partner to stop treating me in a way that does not work for me, and my partner just keeps doing it until I blow up?
By keeping in mind that what I focus on expands, I will focus on my purpose rather than my problem. Focus on my purpose for being in relationship with my partner is to have a physically and emotionally healthy, caring, supportive, family unit. And hold my partner as able to follow when I lead, and to lead when I falter.
Since I've been doing my Mile the last three or four weeks, I am in better shape, more fit. I've continually redefined my standard as my level of fitness has increased - from walking one lap, to walking two laps, to jogging sections of a lap to jogging an entire lap, to jogging two entire laps, to attempting to jog three laps.
Some days I go out and push my envelope, stretch myself into a new standard. Some days I go out and remember to be compassionate with myself, give my body some time to regenerate, and slow down to a lower standard. Sometimes it feels like taking two steps forward, followed y four steps backward, followed by a baby step, a baby step, a baby step, a baby step, just to get back to where I started from. Then I get to leap forward two or three steps again, and define a new standard again.
So this relationship dance - I think I am doing a better job of using the By me, on me, for me principle. I am being very conscientious about applying that one, and in not engaging in using the tenets and ground rules of 21CL as sparring weapons. I am putting a lot of effort into remaining aware of when I might be doing that and in sucking back when I am tempted to engage that way. I don't always succeed, and sometimes I have to throw my hands up and walk away from a situation, reground myself.
I haven't been tracking how many tenets or ground rules I am violating but I have been getting more conscientious of which ones I am applying; of connecting the various actions and strategies I use to move myself in the direction of keeping my Leadership commitments, connecting those actions and strategies with the tenets and ground rules.
One area in which I am still challenged is the dance of anger that keeps showing up in my relationship. Phil and Lori teach that it takes one person to change a relationship. I am willing to buy that when it comes to relationships in general but am finding it hard to apply it to the dance of anger. I am in a place where I feel like I have been working really hard at managing my own anger reaction myself and that I need my partner's cooperation to really get out of that dance. Perhaps the thought my partner isn't cooperating doesn't serve me and I could stretch my line of ownership and replace that thought. Then again, I also need to tell myself the truth and ask what am I pretending not to know. What am I pretending not to know, and how else can I interpret when I repeatedly ask my partner to stop treating me in a way that does not work for me, and my partner just keeps doing it until I blow up?
By keeping in mind that what I focus on expands, I will focus on my purpose rather than my problem. Focus on my purpose for being in relationship with my partner is to have a physically and emotionally healthy, caring, supportive, family unit. And hold my partner as able to follow when I lead, and to lead when I falter.
Friday, August 31, 2007
A Day in the Life Of - Part III, Friday
6:10am Last night I set my alarm for seven this morning. I decided I was going to give myself some extra sleep time because I've had a string of late nights this week. I decided that I would redefine how and when I was going to do my Mile today. So my alarm hasn't gone off yet but I'm awake.
8:14am On the subway now. Got some thoughts going through my head now but nothing I want to put in writing right now. I'll use the ride to meditate, to get into a calmer, more focused frame of mind.
4:53pm My work day and my work week are over now. I'm on my way to my appointment with Sherry. Standing room only on the subway, a little awkard to type on my PDA.
Got a seat at Union Station when a bunch of people got off. This is easier now.
I started working on the Bulk Close function today. That was one of my goals for the week, to get the Made Safe dropdown list function working and rolled out into Test environment, and start on Bulk Close.
I made some decisions yestrday about my relationship with my anger. I had an insight actually. I've realized that somewhere along the journey of my life, I've bought into the notion that I'm supposed to learn not to get angry anymore when I'm faced with a situation that I don't like. I think that proposition doesn't serve me. I think I've confused "being angry about something" with "how I express my anger".
The choice I am making about my anger is that I am going to accept it. Accept that it's a part of me. Let's face it, there are situations in which I'm going to get pissed off. So I'm choosing to be okay with that.
I've also made a choice... Gotta go.
6:48pm Done my appointment with Sherry now, and I'm back on the subway heading home. I was about to write about another choice I made yesterday. I heard two people tell me they think I hate my dad. I wasn't sure how I was going to take that at first, but I've made a decision now. I'm choosing to not buy into other people's story about me. I'm not saying that they're right about me and I'm not saying that they're wrong, but it's their story and not mine. My relationship with my dad is what it is. I know it's not what other people think it should be, and I'm not going to do anything about that. And I'm going to embrace that these two people (and maybe even more than two) have this story about me. Why grandma, what an interesting story you have about me!
11:44pm When I got home after my appointment with Sherry, J was out. She went to visit Jan at the hospital. First night that I've been home after work this week, and I got the house to myself for the next hour or so - should be just enough time to watch an episode of Battlestar Galactica. Twenty minutes into the episode, J comes home. Jan has apparently been discharged from the hospital.
I put my program on pause and we go out for dinner. This time I choose the place. We go, we eat, we chat. I think about bringing up a subject I wanted to discuss with Josephine, then decide against mentioning it. I feel tired as it is; this has too much potential to spiral into another out-of-control conversation. I decide to hold off and wait for a better opportunity. We eat, we chat. We come home. All is peaceful. I watch the rest of my Battlestar Galactica episode.
My Mile today ended up being a walk around the block to the subway after I finished up my appointment with Sherry. Tomorrow I'll jog three laps around the park - because I know I can.
8:14am On the subway now. Got some thoughts going through my head now but nothing I want to put in writing right now. I'll use the ride to meditate, to get into a calmer, more focused frame of mind.
4:53pm My work day and my work week are over now. I'm on my way to my appointment with Sherry. Standing room only on the subway, a little awkard to type on my PDA.
Got a seat at Union Station when a bunch of people got off. This is easier now.
I started working on the Bulk Close function today. That was one of my goals for the week, to get the Made Safe dropdown list function working and rolled out into Test environment, and start on Bulk Close.
I made some decisions yestrday about my relationship with my anger. I had an insight actually. I've realized that somewhere along the journey of my life, I've bought into the notion that I'm supposed to learn not to get angry anymore when I'm faced with a situation that I don't like. I think that proposition doesn't serve me. I think I've confused "being angry about something" with "how I express my anger".
The choice I am making about my anger is that I am going to accept it. Accept that it's a part of me. Let's face it, there are situations in which I'm going to get pissed off. So I'm choosing to be okay with that.
I've also made a choice... Gotta go.
6:48pm Done my appointment with Sherry now, and I'm back on the subway heading home. I was about to write about another choice I made yesterday. I heard two people tell me they think I hate my dad. I wasn't sure how I was going to take that at first, but I've made a decision now. I'm choosing to not buy into other people's story about me. I'm not saying that they're right about me and I'm not saying that they're wrong, but it's their story and not mine. My relationship with my dad is what it is. I know it's not what other people think it should be, and I'm not going to do anything about that. And I'm going to embrace that these two people (and maybe even more than two) have this story about me. Why grandma, what an interesting story you have about me!
11:44pm When I got home after my appointment with Sherry, J was out. She went to visit Jan at the hospital. First night that I've been home after work this week, and I got the house to myself for the next hour or so - should be just enough time to watch an episode of Battlestar Galactica. Twenty minutes into the episode, J comes home. Jan has apparently been discharged from the hospital.
I put my program on pause and we go out for dinner. This time I choose the place. We go, we eat, we chat. I think about bringing up a subject I wanted to discuss with Josephine, then decide against mentioning it. I feel tired as it is; this has too much potential to spiral into another out-of-control conversation. I decide to hold off and wait for a better opportunity. We eat, we chat. We come home. All is peaceful. I watch the rest of my Battlestar Galactica episode.
My Mile today ended up being a walk around the block to the subway after I finished up my appointment with Sherry. Tomorrow I'll jog three laps around the park - because I know I can.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
A Day in the Life Of - Part II, Wednesday
6:21am My alarm hasn't gone off yet but I can't sleep anymore. Lots of thoughts going through my head. Thoughts about how I feel so exposed, uncomfortable, having published my Day In the Life Of post on Monday - yet I feel driven to write another one. Thoughts about how that's probably been in my way ever since whenever, why I write so much but have yet to complete a book, like I've wanted to since my first visit to public library as a young boy. Thoughts about my conversation with Jan last night at the hospital.
My alarm should be going off... strike that, it goes off before I finish writing it down. Mile time.
8:58am On subway now, on my way to work. Jogged two laps around the park today. In doing so, I acknowledged a truth that I already knew - that when I got to the point that I could jog a complete lap then I was already at the point that I could jog two laps. That's not because I'm in better shape now, although it's true that I am in better shape now. But the real reason I can jog two laps is that I've found my pace, the pace I can sustain for one lap or two, maybe even three.
11:53am Today, my day proceeds at a faster pace than the last two days have been. Breakfast time conversation with J, I decided to open up and share some of the conversation I had with Jan at the hospital last night. It's tough, because I haven't processed it all yet. J starts giving me feedback about my communication not being clear. I become frustrated; maybe I should not say anything at all until I've processed it and edited and revised what I want to say so it all makes sense and my communication is crystal clear. I become frustrated but decide to press on anyway. If I wait until I do all that, then by the time I'm done I'll be in a different place and have a totally different experience to share, a totally different communication I want to make. I decide to press on anyway because I think that by doing so, I am initiating a more meaningful conversation.
Jan said that she thinks I have a lot of anger towards my father. She thinks that my problems with J are not about J but about my father. Jan thinks I've told her that I hate my father - that's a strong statement and I don't I said anything like that.
J has told me something similar in the past. She thinks that I hate my father and that I am becoming like him. Wait a minute, if that's even true then the syllogism would be that I hate myself.
Why do two people in two days tell me that they think I hate my father? What is her evidence that I think that? I ask J; she cannot identify anything specific, says it's a vibe that she picks up from me. I accept her answer.
I need to get going to work. Brush my teeth, get ready, all that stuff. Before I leave, I come back to J. I tell her, when I said that I needed for her to shut up I didn't intend to be mean, that I was trying to share something that was difficult for me and I needed to stop her so that I could do it. I kiss her and head off to work.
4:59pm Getting near to the end of the working day. What did I accomplish today for work? Fixed a bug with Investigation Notes. I've been feeling like it's a never ending sea of bugs. I have three bugs on my list, I fix them, meanwhile the testers have found three more bugs so I feel like I am running a lot but staying in the same place. A perpetual list of bugs.
We had a team status meeting this morning and I found a way to feel motivated. The changes I made are currently in Testing environment, scheduled to go into Production near the end of September - if the testers are confident with the system. So I making my goal to be, I am defining my job to be, to make sure the system works, is stable and earns the confidence to be placed into Production in September. Every time I fix a bug I move closer to that goal. Yeah, that's the way I want to look at it. Each bug is a telephone poll that I pass on my morning Mile; don't think about how far I'm running or how many polls there are, just get to the next poll.
8:44pm At the Sushi 2 Go restaurant with J. We went for a swim & hot tub, now out for dinner. Tomorrow is her insurance exam; she's been studying for it all week and this evening she is relaxing and taking care of herself. I'm happy to see her doing all this. I did a combination of laps in the pool as well as just floating around and enjoying the water. I feel relaxed now, a little sleepy. Oh yeah - this is my deposit back into my body, for Monday night.
9:05pm So we've placed our orders and got our miso soup already. We're waiting for the main dish we each ordered. Suddenly J remembers that the last she ate here she got sick.
She asks our server and learns that the restaurant was under different ownership for a while, most likely during the time she was last here (a year or two ago). She is relieved; one thing she doesn't have to worry about.
10:21pm Dinner is done, I just dropped her off at home and I've gone to the park for a walk. What was a lovely evening ended in a conversation that spiralled out of control and resulted in bad feelings for both of us.
10:44pm I've recited the tenets twice now here in the park. I feel a bit calmer now but I still do not feel ready to go back to the house. I don't trust... I don't feel enough trust to go back yet.
Looked up an email I remember Becca wrote last week. I remember there were some words she wrote about her brother that I found inspiring at the time I read them - "I decided I would fight for that love that I still have for him". Fight for that love - sounded like great words when I read them last week. Right now that concept sounds effin' scary.
But it's a better thought to go home with than "I don't feel enough trust". Fake it til you make it. Now grab your balls and say "I'm going home!"
My alarm should be going off... strike that, it goes off before I finish writing it down. Mile time.
8:58am On subway now, on my way to work. Jogged two laps around the park today. In doing so, I acknowledged a truth that I already knew - that when I got to the point that I could jog a complete lap then I was already at the point that I could jog two laps. That's not because I'm in better shape now, although it's true that I am in better shape now. But the real reason I can jog two laps is that I've found my pace, the pace I can sustain for one lap or two, maybe even three.
11:53am Today, my day proceeds at a faster pace than the last two days have been. Breakfast time conversation with J, I decided to open up and share some of the conversation I had with Jan at the hospital last night. It's tough, because I haven't processed it all yet. J starts giving me feedback about my communication not being clear. I become frustrated; maybe I should not say anything at all until I've processed it and edited and revised what I want to say so it all makes sense and my communication is crystal clear. I become frustrated but decide to press on anyway. If I wait until I do all that, then by the time I'm done I'll be in a different place and have a totally different experience to share, a totally different communication I want to make. I decide to press on anyway because I think that by doing so, I am initiating a more meaningful conversation.
Jan said that she thinks I have a lot of anger towards my father. She thinks that my problems with J are not about J but about my father. Jan thinks I've told her that I hate my father - that's a strong statement and I don't I said anything like that.
J has told me something similar in the past. She thinks that I hate my father and that I am becoming like him. Wait a minute, if that's even true then the syllogism would be that I hate myself.
Why do two people in two days tell me that they think I hate my father? What is her evidence that I think that? I ask J; she cannot identify anything specific, says it's a vibe that she picks up from me. I accept her answer.
I need to get going to work. Brush my teeth, get ready, all that stuff. Before I leave, I come back to J. I tell her, when I said that I needed for her to shut up I didn't intend to be mean, that I was trying to share something that was difficult for me and I needed to stop her so that I could do it. I kiss her and head off to work.
4:59pm Getting near to the end of the working day. What did I accomplish today for work? Fixed a bug with Investigation Notes. I've been feeling like it's a never ending sea of bugs. I have three bugs on my list, I fix them, meanwhile the testers have found three more bugs so I feel like I am running a lot but staying in the same place. A perpetual list of bugs.
We had a team status meeting this morning and I found a way to feel motivated. The changes I made are currently in Testing environment, scheduled to go into Production near the end of September - if the testers are confident with the system. So I making my goal to be, I am defining my job to be, to make sure the system works, is stable and earns the confidence to be placed into Production in September. Every time I fix a bug I move closer to that goal. Yeah, that's the way I want to look at it. Each bug is a telephone poll that I pass on my morning Mile; don't think about how far I'm running or how many polls there are, just get to the next poll.
8:44pm At the Sushi 2 Go restaurant with J. We went for a swim & hot tub, now out for dinner. Tomorrow is her insurance exam; she's been studying for it all week and this evening she is relaxing and taking care of herself. I'm happy to see her doing all this. I did a combination of laps in the pool as well as just floating around and enjoying the water. I feel relaxed now, a little sleepy. Oh yeah - this is my deposit back into my body, for Monday night.
9:05pm So we've placed our orders and got our miso soup already. We're waiting for the main dish we each ordered. Suddenly J remembers that the last she ate here she got sick.
She asks our server and learns that the restaurant was under different ownership for a while, most likely during the time she was last here (a year or two ago). She is relieved; one thing she doesn't have to worry about.
10:21pm Dinner is done, I just dropped her off at home and I've gone to the park for a walk. What was a lovely evening ended in a conversation that spiralled out of control and resulted in bad feelings for both of us.
10:44pm I've recited the tenets twice now here in the park. I feel a bit calmer now but I still do not feel ready to go back to the house. I don't trust... I don't feel enough trust to go back yet.
Looked up an email I remember Becca wrote last week. I remember there were some words she wrote about her brother that I found inspiring at the time I read them - "I decided I would fight for that love that I still have for him". Fight for that love - sounded like great words when I read them last week. Right now that concept sounds effin' scary.
But it's a better thought to go home with than "I don't feel enough trust". Fake it til you make it. Now grab your balls and say "I'm going home!"
Monday, August 27, 2007
A Day in the Life Of - Part I, Monday
6:14am Alarm goes off a couple of times before I finally stir. Looks dark out, but getting brighter by the minute. I find Chandler curled up at the foot of the bed. I feel inspired from reading Michelle's blogs last week and decide to write a Day in the Life Of style post. Let's get dressed and do the Mile.
6:51am Back from my Mile. Jogged one complete lap around the park, walked another lap. My Mojo Mile. Went over tenets on my second lap. Paused at #2. Thinking, I frequently recite the tenets, am not frequently asking myself what am I pretending not to know. It wasn't as dark out as it appeared from bedroom window when my alarm went off.
7:26am Remembered during my Mile that I hadn't taken my meds on the weekend. The events of the weekend disrupted my routine. (Snap! Voice of Phil inside my head - the weekend didn't make you forget. Right, I am the source).
Having a conversation with Phil in my head is a little creepy - I think of Baltar on Battlestar Galactica, the inner conversations he keeps having. I morph Phil into Lori, with a red dress like what Tricia Helfer, wears on the show. Okay, not so creepy now, I feel calmer. But wait, what am I pretending not to know? Why am I identifying with the character of Baltar the traitor? Now that's creepy, and a little disturbing.
7:36am Idea - make a photo storybook about Chandler. I have enough pictures of him.
8:15am On the bus, on my way to work. Writing on the bus is difficult sometimes because the bus is shaky, bumpy. Just as I was about to leave for work J says, "Once again, you didn't answer my question". What are you talking about, what question? A question about when I will write her a certain check. What are you talking about, we had an entire discussion about that, I told you where I am with that and what I have to do to bring the funds together in order to give you that check. She starts saying my communication wasn't clear, blah blah blah. Have a nice day, I say and go out the door to work. I feel annoyed and don't want to to fall into that suckhole. While walking to the bus stop I think about the tenets. Tell myself the truth - what answer does J really want from me? Lead with cooperation, keep my word, keep my conversation aligned with my purpose.
11:09am Having trouble getting into "work mode". Looked up my mindmap from Friday - what should I be doing today? Oh yeah, test the changes I made when I added the Work Type dropdown list. I'll make a test plan, add it to my mindmap so I can later use it to generate documentation for my client - adding value - but that's very analytical thinking and my brain is just not there right now. It's that left brain/right brain thing (I always forget which side is which. Is it Right=Rational, therefore Left=Creative? Or is it Left=Logical, therefore Right=Creative?) I read Michelle's blog to balance my brain, feed the non-analytical side thinking that will help me get into an analytical frame. Michelle mentions something Neil wrote in his blog, so I go there too, read a few posts, and my mind goes off on several more tangents.
3:27pm I've completed my test plan. Called Jan at the hospital, got no answer. Called Jan & Fede's home number expecting to get voice mail; Fede was actually home and I chatted with him for a bit. He is frustrated with the beaurocratic limitations of getting one hospital to share information with the other hospital. I know Fede wrote this morning that he'll be too busy to post to the yahoo group for a while, so I offered to be his conduit to the 21CL yahoo group and to the men's team, to be his conduit to keep them informed of what is going on. One of the men on my team said he was willing to meet with Fede at the hospital tonight if that would be supportive. I checked with Fede and he has accepted the offer. My men's team is planning to visit another man tonight who is in bad shape, he tried to commit suicide several months ago by swallowing acid and his innards are all messed up. So tonight is an opportunity for my men's team to show up in a couple of men's lives and make a difference and show them our heart.
5:22pm I may have started off my day with a Mojo Mile but my mojo didn't stay with me, at least not as far as work goes. As far as day's productivity goes, it was a Tell Me Why I Don't Like Mondays kinda day. The highlight of my day, the moment at which I felt the most connection with my mojo was when I thought about what it meant to have my men's team visit two men as our team meeting. Frak the agenda, this is where the heart of a men's team is.
5:57pm So there are a couple of men on my team that are also hanging around downtown. We've been calling each other on our cellphones, coordinating plans to meet and eat before going to visit {the man who had tried to commit suicide}. Usually I don't have this kind of contact throughout the week with my team; I like this and feel more connected with my team.
I wait on King Street to meet Dan. J calls on my cellphone while I wait for Dan. She has a request for me and I feel uncomfortable about it. I tell her that. The conversation starts to feel like another sparring match; I end the call and turn off my cellphone. I walk with Dan to {meeting place}; I am distracted with thoughts of the conversation I just had with J. After a while I notice that I am barely present with Dan at all; I let him know that I am feeling distracted and share my thoughts and feelings about my phone call.
11:09pm On the subway, heading home after my men's team meeting. Now that was a meeting, I think the best team meeting we've ever had. A meeting in which we just threw out the agenda and made it all about context, made it all about showing up in someone's life and making a difference. And it wasn't just, let's make a difference we'll pick up some trash or bake brownies or paint a wall. This was make a difference when there is literally a life on the line.
12:31am Finally got home, got through my emails and cleared a couple of tons of spam and synced my PDA to my desktop. J is still up; she's hooked up the karaoke mike and is having fun singing. For me it's a late night. Stew, my coach, put forth this proposition, that Wealth = Health; when I take care of my body and eat properly and exercise then I am making a deposit, and when I skip exercise and don't eat properly and don't get enough sleep then I am making a withdrawal. Tonight I am making a big withdrawal by staying up so late. I know my balance is positive and tonight the return has been worthwhile. I'll have to watch my balance throughout the rest of the week though; if I keep making withdrawals a this rate I will deplete my balance. It's dark outside again, the day has come to a close. I enjoyed writing this Day In The Life Of post - thanks Michelle and thanks Neil for the writing inspiration.
6:51am Back from my Mile. Jogged one complete lap around the park, walked another lap. My Mojo Mile. Went over tenets on my second lap. Paused at #2. Thinking, I frequently recite the tenets, am not frequently asking myself what am I pretending not to know. It wasn't as dark out as it appeared from bedroom window when my alarm went off.
7:26am Remembered during my Mile that I hadn't taken my meds on the weekend. The events of the weekend disrupted my routine. (Snap! Voice of Phil inside my head - the weekend didn't make you forget. Right, I am the source).
Having a conversation with Phil in my head is a little creepy - I think of Baltar on Battlestar Galactica, the inner conversations he keeps having. I morph Phil into Lori, with a red dress like what Tricia Helfer, wears on the show. Okay, not so creepy now, I feel calmer. But wait, what am I pretending not to know? Why am I identifying with the character of Baltar the traitor? Now that's creepy, and a little disturbing.
7:36am Idea - make a photo storybook about Chandler. I have enough pictures of him.
8:15am On the bus, on my way to work. Writing on the bus is difficult sometimes because the bus is shaky, bumpy. Just as I was about to leave for work J says, "Once again, you didn't answer my question". What are you talking about, what question? A question about when I will write her a certain check. What are you talking about, we had an entire discussion about that, I told you where I am with that and what I have to do to bring the funds together in order to give you that check. She starts saying my communication wasn't clear, blah blah blah. Have a nice day, I say and go out the door to work. I feel annoyed and don't want to to fall into that suckhole. While walking to the bus stop I think about the tenets. Tell myself the truth - what answer does J really want from me? Lead with cooperation, keep my word, keep my conversation aligned with my purpose.
11:09am Having trouble getting into "work mode". Looked up my mindmap from Friday - what should I be doing today? Oh yeah, test the changes I made when I added the Work Type dropdown list. I'll make a test plan, add it to my mindmap so I can later use it to generate documentation for my client - adding value - but that's very analytical thinking and my brain is just not there right now. It's that left brain/right brain thing (I always forget which side is which. Is it Right=Rational, therefore Left=Creative? Or is it Left=Logical, therefore Right=Creative?) I read Michelle's blog to balance my brain, feed the non-analytical side thinking that will help me get into an analytical frame. Michelle mentions something Neil wrote in his blog, so I go there too, read a few posts, and my mind goes off on several more tangents.
3:27pm I've completed my test plan. Called Jan at the hospital, got no answer. Called Jan & Fede's home number expecting to get voice mail; Fede was actually home and I chatted with him for a bit. He is frustrated with the beaurocratic limitations of getting one hospital to share information with the other hospital. I know Fede wrote this morning that he'll be too busy to post to the yahoo group for a while, so I offered to be his conduit to the 21CL yahoo group and to the men's team, to be his conduit to keep them informed of what is going on. One of the men on my team said he was willing to meet with Fede at the hospital tonight if that would be supportive. I checked with Fede and he has accepted the offer. My men's team is planning to visit another man tonight who is in bad shape, he tried to commit suicide several months ago by swallowing acid and his innards are all messed up. So tonight is an opportunity for my men's team to show up in a couple of men's lives and make a difference and show them our heart.
5:22pm I may have started off my day with a Mojo Mile but my mojo didn't stay with me, at least not as far as work goes. As far as day's productivity goes, it was a Tell Me Why I Don't Like Mondays kinda day. The highlight of my day, the moment at which I felt the most connection with my mojo was when I thought about what it meant to have my men's team visit two men as our team meeting. Frak the agenda, this is where the heart of a men's team is.
5:57pm So there are a couple of men on my team that are also hanging around downtown. We've been calling each other on our cellphones, coordinating plans to meet and eat before going to visit {the man who had tried to commit suicide}. Usually I don't have this kind of contact throughout the week with my team; I like this and feel more connected with my team.
I wait on King Street to meet Dan. J calls on my cellphone while I wait for Dan. She has a request for me and I feel uncomfortable about it. I tell her that. The conversation starts to feel like another sparring match; I end the call and turn off my cellphone. I walk with Dan to {meeting place}; I am distracted with thoughts of the conversation I just had with J. After a while I notice that I am barely present with Dan at all; I let him know that I am feeling distracted and share my thoughts and feelings about my phone call.
11:09pm On the subway, heading home after my men's team meeting. Now that was a meeting, I think the best team meeting we've ever had. A meeting in which we just threw out the agenda and made it all about context, made it all about showing up in someone's life and making a difference. And it wasn't just, let's make a difference we'll pick up some trash or bake brownies or paint a wall. This was make a difference when there is literally a life on the line.
12:31am Finally got home, got through my emails and cleared a couple of tons of spam and synced my PDA to my desktop. J is still up; she's hooked up the karaoke mike and is having fun singing. For me it's a late night. Stew, my coach, put forth this proposition, that Wealth = Health; when I take care of my body and eat properly and exercise then I am making a deposit, and when I skip exercise and don't eat properly and don't get enough sleep then I am making a withdrawal. Tonight I am making a big withdrawal by staying up so late. I know my balance is positive and tonight the return has been worthwhile. I'll have to watch my balance throughout the rest of the week though; if I keep making withdrawals a this rate I will deplete my balance. It's dark outside again, the day has come to a close. I enjoyed writing this Day In The Life Of post - thanks Michelle and thanks Neil for the writing inspiration.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Fatherly urges
I have been feeling some desires to be a dad. The idea kind of scares me. It's a big responsibility and it can be expensive, right? Would I still be able to attain my goal of financial independance?
The idea scares me but it also attracts me. I like being uncle to my nieces and nephews; I like spending time with them and playing with them and being the occasional parental figure with them. But at the end of the day they're somebody else's kids. At the end of the day, after a long long day when they're tired they want to go and be with their own mommy. Someone else decides how to raise them, someone else decides when they come to visit and how often and for how long, and whether or not they'll come camping or come to church. And that is how it should be because all of that is their parents' responsibility.
But there is a piece of me that wants it for me. As I mentioned the other night to one of the men on my men's team, I don't have kids but I'm a dad at heart. It actually felt really good to say that! The other day I was speaking with someone about the subject on the phone. At the end of the call I felt like I was standing at the bottom of a big mountain looking up and saying with a big grin on my face, I'm going to climb that mountain!
The idea scares me but it also attracts me. I like being uncle to my nieces and nephews; I like spending time with them and playing with them and being the occasional parental figure with them. But at the end of the day they're somebody else's kids. At the end of the day, after a long long day when they're tired they want to go and be with their own mommy. Someone else decides how to raise them, someone else decides when they come to visit and how often and for how long, and whether or not they'll come camping or come to church. And that is how it should be because all of that is their parents' responsibility.
But there is a piece of me that wants it for me. As I mentioned the other night to one of the men on my men's team, I don't have kids but I'm a dad at heart. It actually felt really good to say that! The other day I was speaking with someone about the subject on the phone. At the end of the call I felt like I was standing at the bottom of a big mountain looking up and saying with a big grin on my face, I'm going to climb that mountain!
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