Speed dating

I attended a speed dating event last week. The premise of the event is that an equal number of men and women attend, all pre-screened by age bracket. Each man has three minutes to talk to each woman. At the end of three minutes a bell rings and the man and woman each rate each other on the basis of would they like to see each other again. They rate each other on a scorecard that they turn in to the event organizers at the end of the evening. Where a man and a woman both ranked each other as Yes then the organizers send them each others contact information.

I was apprehensive about going to the event and was not in a great space about it. I even considered not going, but I had already committed to it last month so it wouldn't do to not go. Ninety percent of success is just showing up, right? The eleventh tenet of the leadership covenant - As a leader I never take myself out of the game. If you want to be a champion, fight one more round.

So I went. Three minutes go by very quickly. The premise is that most people know in less than three minutes if there is chemistry. That may be so, but I think that three minutes is not enough to get to know someone.

I did come away from the event feeling good and I enjoyed myself. Time went by so fast that I didn't have time to not enjoy myself.

A couple of days later I got the results back from the organizers and I had no matches. That left me feeling discouraged and wondering if dating is really all about superficialities. Will I do this venue again? I don't know; right now it's a toss up between not wanting to set myself up for disappointment or deciding that it's just a numbers game and keep playing it that way.

Dating and due diligence

After years and years of being in and out of relationships I've finally figured out the concept of doing my due diligence when it comes to dating. The concept sounds really simple now, but I have been sloppy about it in the past.

I have learned that there are two things I want to find out about a potential partner before I get involved: is the playing field clear, and is there mutual interest. As I said, it's simple and obvious when I state it that way, but time and time again I have ignored these two principles and paid the price.

Vetting out if the playing field is clear - I have learned that there are certain subtleties to watch out for. Just because a woman is single does not mean she is available! Doh! How much time and energy have I spent pursuing a woman who, though single, was not available? There are other factors besides the existence of a husband or other male attachment that signal availability. Unresolved emotional issues, unhealthy habits and attitudes, are other indicators of non-availability to me. Of course, a woman might be available by someone else's standards and not by mine - I have learned that in the end I must judge only by my own standards whether she is available.

Mutual interest - I have spent far too much time and energy pursuing women who were not interested in me, thinking that if I said this or did that I will impress them and gain their interest. Forget that game! I have paid the price of playing that game with decreased self-confidence and self-esteem. Ain't worth it, not playing it no more. I am who I am and I'm an interesting person, and I'm better off using my time and energy surrounding myself with people who are genuinely interested in me and want to help me win than in trying to get someone interested in me who is not.

One other thing I've learned about dating. I've learned that when a woman I am interested in says she wants to be friends, it usually means that a woman that I want to sleep with does not want to sleep with me but wants me around to talk to about the guys she is sleeping with. That sucks and that's definitely a game not worth playing.

How dating is like football

So without going down to the level of crudity, here is how I see the Dating Game as being like football.

The Dating Game is like football except I have an unlimited number of downs to make touchdown - I am not limited to three or four downs before I lose possession of the ball.

There is no opposing team to tackle me. I may fall or fumble the ball. If I fall it is not because someone has tackled me, it is simply because I fell. Maybe my shoelaces were untied and I tripped over them - I get up, retie my shoelaces and try again. Maybe the most I can run is six yards at a time so I advance the ball as far as I can before I stumble, then get up and move the ball the next six yards. I challenge and stretch myself so that I reach the point where I advance seven yards at a time.

I never lose possession of the ball. When I stumble I might drop the ball and lose track of where the ball is. I find the ball then continue my next play from there.

When the pond is dry I cast my line in another pond. I haven't figured out a football analogy for this one yet so I am murphing my mixaphors.